Psychology of Pickup

[TheDarkHalf]

I thought this would be a worthwhile topic to add to the forum. With the way my mind works, I often to view things as a system. Certain inputs will produce certain outputs.

I'm starting this thread to swap ideas, experiences, give/share advice in regards to when it comes to picking up women for a one nighter, short term dating, looking for that long term relationship, etc. Whatever your case may be, we can discuss it here. I do very well with women, but even for someone as seasoned as myself it's good to have a reality check now and again to see what others have to say.

I'll open with the following story and would like advice and comments on how to proceed:

Used OkCupid to set up a meet with this girl I thought was rather cute. Got her to meet up for dinner and she was hotter in person than the pictures (almost never happens lol). Dinner was great and towards the end and she invited me to go out with her friends. I accepted the invite - we went back to my place to drop some stuff off at my place and then proceeded to go pregame at her friends place. Went to her place for more pregaming and went to the bar for about two hours. Ended up going back to her place after the bar and sealed the deal.

Date 2: We had planned on chilling at my place, but it was nice out so we decided to go hit up a rooftop bar. I went over to her place to meet up and it ended up being a bum night in, we never made it out and just chilled. We drank wine, smoked weed, ordered in some food, made out here and there, watched tv, and I ended up staying the night.

So, I guess what I'm looking for is what to do now. I want to keep things progressing forward. We are both actively dating around, but this is a cool chick and wouldn't mind trying to steadily date this one. Thoughts? Can provide more info if necessary

 

[dialtone]

First of all, great idea to start this thread. Relationships (the whole spectrum) is kind of a specialty of mine and the focal point of my psychological research.

Your situation is easy though. When people find someone that they enjoy spending time with, especially after they're physical, they begin thinking about making it more and pushing it into a serious relationship. It's only natural to want more of a good thing. The problem is that sometimes, this prematurely places pressures on the other person that they may not be ready for. For example, when we like someone, we want them to do the things that we want them to do; we almost expect it. So if you like her, then you expect her to stop dating other people become exclusive with you. That's not always what the other person is looking for. If it is what they are looking for, as well as what you are looking for, then great...you have yourself a good situation. If not, then enjoy it for what it is.

So for you, occasionally see if she wants to hang out. If it turns out that you are the only one putting forth any effort, take it as a sign and back off. Still be present and available just don't make it seem like you are doing all of the chasing. Don't initiate every conversation, rarely text or call her first..try to keep this balanced. At this point in the game, your situation is fragile so keep your moves modest and let the ball be in her court. Keep your head in the right place and just know that right now, you guys are just hanging out...nothing more.

Lastly, keep doing the things that may attract her to you. When a lot of people find a crush, they put a lot of mental energy into the situation and most of the time stop doing the things that made them attractive in the first place. Keep doing these things and if she wants to hang out, make time for her. Otherwise, just play it cool.

 

[TheDarkHalf]

First of all, great idea to start this thread. Relationships (the whole spectrum) is kind of a specialty of mine and the focal point of my psychological research.

Thanks dialtone, I have a great respect for your insight and advice, glad to have you in here!

Your situation is easy though. When people find someone that they enjoy spending time with, especially after they're physical, they begin thinking about making it more and pushing it into a serious relationship. It's only natural to want more of a good thing. The problem is that sometimes, this prematurely places pressures on the other person that they may not be ready for. For example, when we like someone, we want them to do the things that we want them to do; we almost expect it. So if you like her, then you expect her to stop dating other people become exclusive with you. That's not always what the other person is looking for. If it is what they are looking for, as well as what you are looking for, then great...you have yourself a good situation. If not, then enjoy it for what it is.

Yeah I agree the last thing I'm trying to do is make her feel pressured, which is also why I didn't push for sex on date 2. I felt like it was kind of a more of a get to know you kind of date, and maybe her seeing what I was all about.

So for you, occasionally see if she wants to hang out. If it turns out that you are the only one putting forth any effort, take it as a sign and back off. Still be present and available just don't make it seem like you are doing all of the chasing. Don't initiate every conversation, rarely text or call her first..try to keep this balanced. At this point in the game, your situation is fragile so keep your moves modest and let the ball be in her court. Keep your head in the right place and just know that right now, you guys are just hanging out...nothing more.

I'm trying to use scarcity and persistence, instead of being just readily available and making it look like I'm chasing. I usually try to not initiate too frequently. I usually only text once every 24-48 hours and always keeping it varied. If she responds I usually vary my response time. I'll probably try to get date 3 this week, and then back off a bit. It's always hard to tell if I should be initiating or not though....women are so touch and go. She could be waiting for me to take the lead. I'm an action man and you're going to miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take. She's actively dating around, so from my perspective is that her stance would be non-chalant, she's not going to be the one doing the initiating as she probably has a handful of guys that blow her $hit up. But if she really wanted to hang, she'd be hitting me up. So I feel like if I don't do the initiating, how am I supposed to get the date? lol. what a PITA! When I do text her, I strictly text her for setting up a meet. I don't waste any time trying to build rapport as I would rather sell her on myself in person.

Lastly, keep doing the things that may attract her to you. When a lot of people find a crush, they put a lot of mental energy into the situation and most of the time stop doing the things that made them attractive in the first place. Keep doing these things and if she wants to hang out, make time for her. Otherwise, just play it cool.

Yeah I mean I guess I just have to keep doing me. Not much else I can do. And playing it cool is what I've been doing. I'm pretty comfortable around her (which is odd for only being on two dates), and I've just been a chill dude.

But I want to streamline things.....I don't want to waste time on someone that doesn't want to spend time with me....so honestly if I don't have things moving the way I want to after a month or two....peace out. Got to be willing to man up and walk away. Plenty of other women that are vying for my attention.

 

[49ER]

I think u need to sleep with her asap. Im sure everyone else shes dating is going to try, you dont want to end up in the friend zone. My girlfriend now she was hesitant but I hit it on the first date at my place. Doesn't make her a whore I cant blame her im pretty irresistible lol we now have a great relationship its not about sex with us we are like best friends.

 

[TheDarkHalf]

I think u need to sleep with her asap. Im sure everyone else shes dating is going to try, you dont want to end up in the friend zone. My girlfriend now she was hesitant but I hit it on the first date at my place. Doesn't make her a whore I cant blame her im pretty irresistible lol we now have a great relationship its not about sex with us we are like best friends.

If you look back to my post....you'll see that I slept with her in date 1. But obviously, and I agree, I need to sleep with her again. Attraction has an expiration period if you don't take advantage of it.

 

[49ER]

I missed that good job man

 

[TheDarkHalf]

I missed that good job man

haha thanks man. Took an entirely different girl home last night. Just illustrating that my head is in the right place, I'm not caught up on the girl in the first post. I just recognize she is really a down to earth and cool chick, very hard to find IMO. And she's hot lol. Not trying to dick around.

 

[TheDarkHalf]

So I guess I'll keep this thread rolling....here's an update on the chick on the initial post.

I texted her sat morning to see what her plans were for the day and she had some kind of BBQ to go to - which was fine as I was going to a tailgate but was just dropping a line to see if I could meet up with her at some point. So I brushed off her being busy with a crack about how she sounded possessed when she was talking in her sleep the other night.

So I let the communication die out after that (minus a few snap chats that went out while I was at the tailgate). Didn't hit her up at all on sunday and didn't hear from her either. I generally like to make myself come off as being scarce and persistent....while having an attainability that's not too high or too low.

So I broke radio silence today around 7pm with a text "Hey (insert name here)! Hope your weekend was awesome. Lets plan to grab a bite. What day is good for you this week?"

Had a response within 15min. We had some playful banter back and forth while setting up the date. For the record...I never call women. ever. I only text, and only use text for setting up a meet. I never build rapport over text. I think it's a waste of time and I'd rather talk to her and sell her on myself in person. The rapport building and phone calls get saved for the women I actually enter into a relationship with.

Anyways, we are going on a date tomorrow (tentatively even got her to cancel on a previous date with another guy, which I half think she wanted me to do - can provide more details if requested) and what I'm going to aim to do is to turn things up a notch. I'm going to ask her some questions and get her talking on an emotional level during dinner. Get under the hood so to speak and create some investment. Go for a few drinks after and then invite her over to my place for a nightcap and to just chill out for a bit.

 

[49ER]

Good for u brother sounds like shes giving you priority. Good luck with her let us know how it goes.

 

[TheDarkHalf]

Good for u brother sounds like shes giving you priority. Good luck with her let us know how it goes.

Date number 3 in the books - definitely a solid date!

Met her at her place and went and had dinner, went back to her place so she could change, went to a bar, and then back to her place to stay the night. Spent some time on some small talk and turned things up a notch by asking some personal questions in order to invoke some emotional investment. These questions included:

Is your current job what you want to do forever?
Where's the next place you want to travel to?
What do you do in your free time?
What's the craziest adventure you've ever had?
What was your childhood like?
How did the person you were growing up transition into who you are now?
etc

She really opened up about a lot of stuff, which in turn allowed me to do the same. Allowed me to get a jist of what she's looking for and find out that we are very similar in some ways. Which in turn allows me to find out what she values, and display my value accordingly. The last question I asked her was "so we've been on a couple of dates, what do you think of me so far?". Her response was "I like you. But I've got to warn you that I have been on other dates with other guys." My response to that was "That's cool. I appreciate you being open and honest about it. I'm not too worried." and brushed it off like it was no big deal.

We also talked during the date about more future dates, certain restaurants, tailgating, skydiving, etc. I mentioned I was teleworking thursday/friday and she mentioned that she might work from home as well on thursday. So that might turn into a potential lunch thing.

Even though I stayed the night, no nookie as it was bad timing. But I'm always cool with that. Never a bad thing to curl with up a chill attractive female.

She did however mention while we were in bed that I was the only guy she had split things with even on the first couple of dates, and had she not liked me as much as she did, she would have dropped me altogether. Not b/c she's a gold digger, but because she's just looking for a guy to take care of her for once (apparently out of her last 3 relationships she's been the one to pay for everything). I explained that I didn't want to win her over with my wallet, and that I wanted to sell her on me alone. I wanted her to see us as equals, and that I liked things being even. And that in my past relationships, my ex and I would often take turns in paying for things, and that I usually reserve that kind of behavior for something more permanent. I don't believe that men should do all those boyfriend type things before entering into a relationship. Especially if you are NOT exclusively dating one particular female.

Anyways, I told her I was listening, I heard her, and appreciated her feedback. So in my mind, that's an easy adjustment to make.

So far so good. Just need to stay the course. If any of you think I need to make some adjustments I'm all ears.

 

[SicVic]

Your not cycling with all that alcohol right? LOL

 

[TheDarkHalf]

Your not cycling with all that alcohol right? LOL

Haha no not at all. Just kind of going through a party phase right now. I'm getting better at actively managing my calories on that days that I do that stuff (if i'm drinking later in the evening, I cut back on the carbs during the day). I don't eat anything dumb when I'm out either.

Small update. Just a lot of game playing going on between the chick mentioned in the post. We've been snap chatting and texting back and forth but haven't hung out since tuesday. She didn't respond to one of messages on Friday night so I've put her on radio silence since then.

Pulled a number from a girl at the gym yesterday, we tried to meet up but it just didn't happen. Gym pickup is easier than I thought it'd be!

 

[JohnyMuscles]

Keep dating her and if you both have things to share that you like and enjoy, all things will happen naturally. No need to force things. IMO.

 

[dialtone]

nice moves dude. I'd say if it's not solid just keep playing the field. Something good will turn up, no doubt.

 

[TheDarkHalf]

nice moves dude. I'd say if it's not solid just keep playing the field. Something good will turn up, no doubt.

Yeah so ever since that last date it's been a bear getting her to hang out. She keeps deflecting with being busy, and I keep relentlessly persisting.

It's been a few days since I've texted her (as she ignored my last message). Here's the text threads from her and I. I copied and pasted this from a pickup website that I posted on looking for some troubleshooting/help. They pointed out that one - I should have tried to sleep with her on every date (which makes sense), and two that my texts are too long and need to be shortened up (law of least effort). I was showing too much investment. But if anyone has any additional pointers on how I should proceed next I'm all ears.

For the record I am still seeing multiple other women. I have no problem walking away if that's the recommendation. But this is a cool chick, she's hot, and I want to keep her in the rotation.

Me: Hey Jill! Did you end up working from home today?
Jill: No I should have tho - it's so shitty out
Me: It's supposed to clear up around noon! Was gonna see if you wanted to grab lunch. Did you figure out your schedule for this weekend?
Jill: Not yet :/
Me: Nothing more exciting than a game time decision! If you're around this weekend we'll have to do something fun! I'll text you tomm or you can text me when you figure it out. Whatever's clever.
Jill: Will do! I may have made some tentative plans if I stay here as well so I really have no clue what I'm gonna do!
Me (Apr 18th, 11:06am): Haha well if that's the case you should 'tentatively' plan to do something with me sat evening; dinner/drinks around 5-6pm

Me (Apt 19th, 8:52pm): Hey! I'm going into Clarendon for some drinks tonight, you should definitely join!
Jill: I have a solid crowd here waiting on a friend to get her from Philly
Me (Apr 19th, 9:13pm): right on! I'm in a similar boat. Where ya'll partying at tonight?

Me (Apr 21st, 6:36pm): Hey Jill! hope your week was solid! Lets figure out a time to grab dinner. What's your schedule looking like mon/tue evening?
Jill (Apr 21st, 9:24pm): It was good! Lauren and Adam broke up - he cheated on her so I'm playing friend all week trying to keep her busy! I'll let you know what day I free up!
Me (Apr 22nd, 8:44am): Wow that sucks. Sorry to hear that. I've been there before and know what she's going through; you're the distraction she needs right now. It's all good; holler when you free up.
Jill: Ok maybe if she feels up to it we can meet up w ya! But I don't want to upset her haha
Me: Haha yeah I totally get that, I'd be down for meeting up, just let me know
(^^I think I messed up on that last text, should have NOT said I'd be down for meeting up with her and her friend)

At this point I went to Costa Rica for about 6 days....resume the game...

Me (Apr 30th, 3:38pm): Hey Jill! Hope your last week or so was on point, mine definitely was! We should get together soon, how's your week looking?
Jill: I have a wedding saturday - have to shop for that today! Thursday is girls night! Might be free wed!
Me: Haha I can only imagine what treatyoself is going to end up with today! I could use a little excitement tonight, too bad you have to shop! Why don't we shoot for friday after work?
Jill (May 1st, 12:10pm): God spent $1000 (first time she ever initiated a text to me)
Me (May 1st, 3:29pm): Damnnnnnn. I think I can smell your credit card melting from here! Lets do something fun friday night!
Jill: I may have plans friday
Me: Come on. You know you want to see me haha. I have plans tonight, but I'm free thurs/fri
Jill (May 1st, 8:00pm): I have girls night out thurs, girls dinner fri, wedding on sat, boating on sunday

Me (May 2nd, 9:54am): Hey Jill! It looks like our schedules aren't matching up! I have a busy week coming up next week, but can definitely clear some time to meet up....only cause your cute haha. What's your schedule like next week?

 

[TheDarkHalf]

Keep dating her and if you both have things to share that you like and enjoy, all things will happen naturally. No need to force things. IMO.

Haha not trying to force anything man....just trying to keep my game tight and keep this girl in play. I feel like there has been a bit of a power shift, and I need to shift things back in my direction.

 

[riprockwell]

Cliffnotes: I read your first chat log and you ask her to grab lunch that day. Then she says she has plans and then you ask her to hang out on the weekend. Then April 18th you ask her to join you for some drinks. Then after no response, the next day on the 19th, you once again invite her to join you for drinks. She makes up another excuse to not hang out and you ask her where she is hanging out that night. She proceeds to ignore your post for the rest of the evening. 2 days pass and now it is the 21st and you ask her to grab dinner. She makes up another excuse that her friend is going through hard times, etc. You head to Costa Rica and when you get back you ask her to hang out again on April 30th. She says she is busy with shopping and shit. You then ask for Friday night instead. She ignores you until the next day and she initiates the conversation telling you she spent 1000 bucks shopping. You proceed to ask her to hang out again friday night. She once again makes up an excuse to not hang out. Then you try to look all Rico Suave by saying "You know you want to see me." Then she again gives you her schedule for the next 4 days ignoring the fact you want to hang out. Then after all of that, the next day you ask her once again her schedule the following week. Dude, you are seriously looking so desperate it is ridiculous.

Read through your chat. Every single chat is you being persistent. When she initiated the text to you about her spending 1000 bucks, you should have made fun of her and never even mentioned hanging out. Then once she gets tired of going out with her friends and she realizes you are cool and not so persistent and desperate, she will probably initiate hanging out. And when that happens you can do 2 things......You can blow her off and see if she gets intrigued by it, or you can hang out and bang her again. But seriously, I am not bashing you, but read your chat log. You seriously ask her every fucking day to hang out and every day she finds an excuse. Again, play the nice funny guy. Don't bring up hanging out anymore unless she initiates it. If she was head over heels for you, she would make time bro. But instead, she has girls night, girls dinner, wedding plans, boating, etc. Next week, she will have yoga, cooking class, ultimate frisbee, etc. I mean, good job on banging her, but you need to change your game plan. This shit is a train wreck.

 

[TheDarkHalf]

Cliffnotes: I read your first chat log and you ask her to grab lunch that day. Then she says she has plans and then you ask her to hang out on the weekend. Then April 18th you ask her to join you for some drinks. Then after no response, the next day on the 19th, you once again invite her to join you for drinks. She makes up another excuse to not hang out and you ask her where she is hanging out that night. She proceeds to ignore your post for the rest of the evening. 2 days pass and now it is the 21st and you ask her to grab dinner. She makes up another excuse that her friend is going through hard times, etc. You head to Costa Rica and when you get back you ask her to hang out again on April 30th. She says she is busy with shopping and shit. You then ask for Friday night instead. She ignores you until the next day and she initiates the conversation telling you she spent 1000 bucks shopping. You proceed to ask her to hang out again friday night. She once again makes up an excuse to not hang out. Then you try to look all Rico Suave by saying "You know you want to see me." Then she again gives you her schedule for the next 4 days ignoring the fact you want to hang out. Then after all of that, the next day you ask her once again her schedule the following week. Dude, you are seriously looking so desperate it is ridiculous.

Read through your chat. Every single chat is you being persistent. When she initiated the text to you about her spending 1000 bucks, you should have made fun of her and never even mentioned hanging out. Then once she gets tired of going out with her friends and she realizes you are cool and not so persistent and desperate, she will probably initiate hanging out. And when that happens you can do 2 things......You can blow her off and see if she gets intrigued by it, or you can hang out and bang her again. But seriously, I am not bashing you, but read your chat log. You seriously ask her every fucking day to hang out and every day she finds an excuse. Again, play the nice funny guy. Don't bring up hanging out anymore unless she initiates it. If she was head over heels for you, she would make time bro. But instead, she has girls night, girls dinner, wedding plans, boating, etc. Next week, she will have yoga, cooking class, ultimate frisbee, etc. I mean, good job on banging her, but you need to change your game plan. This shit is a train wreck.

Thanks for the honest feedback. There is a difference between being persistent and chasing. I personally find that being persistent, as I have demonstrated above, is better than coming off looking whiny and needy (and make it look like your chasing). Funny thing is I am far from desperate (got a few numbers last night, banged a different chick on friday night, have multiple dates next week, etc). But you do make a good point in showing me that my persistence is probably annoying her at this point. That I was TOO persistent. I'm really trying to get a better handle on my text game. I have the right idea, it just needs to be cleaned up. Shorter texts. Showing less investment. Etc.

I know it's a train wreck son, why do you think I posted this? What's a solid way to move forward? I want to bang this chick again. I posted this seeking the best way reverse this situation. Obviously my game plan needs to change, what's the next move?

 

[riprockwell]

Thanks for the honest feedback. There is a difference between being persistent and chasing. I personally find that being persistent, as I have demonstrated above, is better than coming off looking whiny and needy (and make it look like your chasing). Funny thing is I am far from desperate (got a few numbers last night, banged a different chick on friday night, have multiple dates next week, etc). But you do make a good point in showing me that my persistence is probably annoying her at this point. That I was TOO persistent. I'm really trying to get a better handle on my text game. I have the right idea, it just needs to be cleaned up. Shorter texts. Showing less investment. Etc.

I know it's a train wreck son, why do you think I posted this? What's a solid way to move forward? I want to bang this chick again. I posted this seeking the best way reverse this situation. Obviously my game plan needs to change, what's the next move?

You're welcome. Honestly, I can say that I have done the same thing back in the day, but if you do decide to text her, send her a joke or just say whats up. I know persistency can pay off and it has for me in the past, but the good news is at least you have already banged this girl. You just don't want to keep asking her to hang out over and over again. She knows you are down to hang out. She understands that. The next game plan should be for you to shoot her a text in a week and say whats up. Don't mention anything about hanging out. Try to crack some jokes, etc. The thing is. You have already hung out with her and banged her. I guarantee she assumes you want to just use her for a piece of ass. I am pretty sure she thinks that even though it was her fault. So just play it smooth, etc. Act like you are busy hanging out with a bunch of people, etc. So if she asks you what you are doing, tell her you are hanging out with the dixie chicks, etc. Haha. Pretty much just act like her friend. Like I said, if she is interested in hanging out again, she will initiate it. I am curious to see some updates about her now. Send her the following joke via text....."How do you fix a woman's watch?? You don't, there is a clock on the stove."

 

[scottrebel]

Sounds like your doing everything right. The only thing I would have changed is the smoking pot thing. I have found that it can make a situation much better or much worse, but it never dose nothing.