Well guys, whatever insults you hurl my way, I know I deserve them. But I would rather die than live this way and I am willing to endure whatever scolding to get your advice, I am open to any suggestions.
Bit about me: I've always been tired and forgetful almost my whole life, been very feminine looking, and small framed (man boobs and vag-pits even when thin, plus pear shaped body), no get up and go, no interest in sex or anything. I've always had to force myself to exercise and hated it. My body just continually thought I was a loser despite me doing everything to change it. At 18 I was working in tree removal and finally got my total Test drawn and it was 400 something. I've been more active than average my whole life despite having a pretty bad teenager diet. I was on the wrestling and swim team in middle school and swam and lifted weights thru high school.
So after getting embarrassed in the gym, locker room and eventually the bedroom I at 20 I said "enough of this" and used aromasin, 12.5 mg a day, convinced it was my estrogen making me look and feel like a bitch. Intending to use it once to dry up my estrogen and give me more T and resume from there. The first week I felt much better, more balanced, more energy, finally grew an adam's apple, didn't need to sleep much at night, (matter a fact I couldn't sleep) and my boobs shrunk up. Well soon all that did was dry up what little bit of testosterone I was making and wreck my hpta with low hormones across the board. It lowered my already abysmal total T of 400 something, to 300 at 20. I was having chest pains felt terrified all the time and needed to sleep 12 hours a night just to function. I couldn't do anything without it exhausting me. I thought I was going to die. So I went on TRT at 20. 100 mg test prop 1x week 1500iu hcg 3x week. It made me feel even more tired due to loss of testicular thyroid function. I could barely move and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I developed severe sleep apnea.. At one point I actually felt my heart stop briefly and I almost died. This was around my 21st birthday. I slowly titrated down and got off it. And suddenly, unexpectedly, I felt great. I was told by a doctor that somehow this self-induced hell had rebooted my system. I had gone to the gym while on, and felt orgasmic, and ran every day which, felt orgasmic. My total T was 841 while on. A week after I came off, I went away to college and had some sex, felt confident, ate good, felt good. Test was 549 about a month in. But over the course of the last year I've returned to the shit from whence I came, chest pains and the like. Food sensitivities. Aggressive brain fog. Listlessness and terror. And now I feel like I'm fucked beyond all fucktitude and don't know what to do. I'm unable to function anymore, and if I can't keep up at undergrad how the fuck am I supposed to go to law school? Every little thing worries me to death and I feel awful 24/7 mentally and physically. Please help, and yes I know I'm an idiot. I will be 22 next month.
-Jonathan
Bit about me: I've always been tired and forgetful almost my whole life, been very feminine looking, and small framed (man boobs and vag-pits even when thin, plus pear shaped body), no get up and go, no interest in sex or anything. I've always had to force myself to exercise and hated it. My body just continually thought I was a loser despite me doing everything to change it. At 18 I was working in tree removal and finally got my total Test drawn and it was 400 something. I've been more active than average my whole life despite having a pretty bad teenager diet. I was on the wrestling and swim team in middle school and swam and lifted weights thru high school.
So after getting embarrassed in the gym, locker room and eventually the bedroom I at 20 I said "enough of this" and used aromasin, 12.5 mg a day, convinced it was my estrogen making me look and feel like a bitch. Intending to use it once to dry up my estrogen and give me more T and resume from there. The first week I felt much better, more balanced, more energy, finally grew an adam's apple, didn't need to sleep much at night, (matter a fact I couldn't sleep) and my boobs shrunk up. Well soon all that did was dry up what little bit of testosterone I was making and wreck my hpta with low hormones across the board. It lowered my already abysmal total T of 400 something, to 300 at 20. I was having chest pains felt terrified all the time and needed to sleep 12 hours a night just to function. I couldn't do anything without it exhausting me. I thought I was going to die. So I went on TRT at 20. 100 mg test prop 1x week 1500iu hcg 3x week. It made me feel even more tired due to loss of testicular thyroid function. I could barely move and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I developed severe sleep apnea.. At one point I actually felt my heart stop briefly and I almost died. This was around my 21st birthday. I slowly titrated down and got off it. And suddenly, unexpectedly, I felt great. I was told by a doctor that somehow this self-induced hell had rebooted my system. I had gone to the gym while on, and felt orgasmic, and ran every day which, felt orgasmic. My total T was 841 while on. A week after I came off, I went away to college and had some sex, felt confident, ate good, felt good. Test was 549 about a month in. But over the course of the last year I've returned to the shit from whence I came, chest pains and the like. Food sensitivities. Aggressive brain fog. Listlessness and terror. And now I feel like I'm fucked beyond all fucktitude and don't know what to do. I'm unable to function anymore, and if I can't keep up at undergrad how the fuck am I supposed to go to law school? Every little thing worries me to death and I feel awful 24/7 mentally and physically. Please help, and yes I know I'm an idiot. I will be 22 next month.
-Jonathan
