Steve....you have body image issues. Thing is you want both and you CAN'T have both and even you realize it.
I think you should take a step back from steroids for awhile. See what you can do with your body naturally and learn to be patient.
Here is the thing....you clearly want more muscle but you don't want to do what it takes to get it. You don't have to get fat to gain muscle but you certainly won't gain it at a calorie deficit.
The thing you have to learn Steve is to ACCEPT YOUR BODY AS IS WHILE PUTTING ON MUSCLE. That's a mental hurdle that you are fighting right now.