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He was suddenly heavier than he had been, heavy in the way Richard’s kiss had been in the memory.Nathaniel’s hips pressed in against me, and as with the remembered kiss, he pushed against me, and I had a choice of opening to him, or keeping him outside my body.Richard’s beast had left through a kiss.I could only kiss one of them at a time.The thought came that I could do other things, and still kiss.But I’d had enough of threesomes and more.My battered morals had had about all the multiples they could handle for awhile.That little voice whispered, but it feels so good.And the voice that I’d learned at my grandmother’s hand yelled, Slut!You work so long and so hard to listen to your inner voice, but sometimes guilt or habit makes you listen to those other voices-the ones that beat you down.
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Sometimes you just can’t shake them.I tried to draw my hand out of Jason’s, but he held on.He whispered into the bend of my neck, “I’ll be your cat.His blue eyes came into my vision, and he kissed me, long and deep, and my beast lay quiet.My beast woke inside me, as if it had only been napping.
It woke and tried to spill upward.It filled my body like someone trying on a coat that was far too small.I could feel it stretching out inside me, feel it filling me, like hot water spilling up and up inside me until it filled every inch of me, and still there was more to come.It poured and poured, if water could have bones and muscle and anger.Because when it found that there were limits, that my skin did not burst, my bones did not bend, my body did not give, the beast began to rage inside me.It slashed with claws and fought with muscles that should have been metaphoric but felt all too real.It was trying to tear its way free of the cage, and the cage was my body.I screamed, screamed and struggled, but you can’t fight something that you can’t touch.Nathaniel was still on top of me, eyes wide and frightened.He started to slide off of me, but I grabbed his arms, and managed to say, “Kiss me.
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He put his mouth against mine, and the next scream was muffled into his mouth.I willed the thing inside me into him.I tried to force it, but it was panicked, and could not hear me.It was like a wild animal, cornered, it heard nothing, but its own fear.I tore my mouth from Nathaniel’s and simply screamed.Jason was there, a hand on either side of my face, and the moment he touched me, the beast hesitated.The cat paused long enough to sniff the air, as if wondering what he was.I looked up at Nathaniel with Jason’s hands still holding my head.It sat inside me, sniffing, puzzling, but it did not rise.I broke the kiss and screamed not from pain, but frustration.
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I blinked at him and thought about it.Not consciously, but controlling it had become automatic.Now that I didn’t have to control it, but had to, instead, call it into being, was I still quashing it?Was I still shielding?The answer was, yes.
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