Looking for opinions...sexless marriage

[aikido_dragon]

I've got a question that I know has no definite answer, but I'm I'd like to know what you guys would do in my situation.

I'm 25, married to a beautiful Cuban girl, we have a 3 year old daughter together. As with most families when a child comes into the picture your sex life goes down hill. I expected that, but it's worse for me because with the birth of my daughter we chose to move into a small studio apt that is very close to her family. We planed on only living there for a year, but it's been about 3. Living in a studio that is really just one big room, it means that my wife and I can't really ever be alone. That's set back 1.

Now, she also gained a bunch of weight, that I'm now happy to say she's almost gotten rid of, but it too destroyed her self-image which for a women to be sexual is very important. That's set back 2.

Set back 3 is a combo of many little things plus the 2 above issues that adds up to her loosing her sex drive. I know for a 100% fact that she is faithful and loves me, but I can count on 1 hand how many times we've had sex in the last 3 years. and those few times I could tell it was out her guilt not because she truly wanted to.

So the question is......what would you do? I truly have no desire to cheat on her, it wouldn't satisfy me any more then my own hand and imagination. We went from almost every night to stopping cold turkey. I've been as understanding as I can, but 3 years!! I'm loosing my mind to say the least.

Oh and I've tried talking to her about it, no changes, she claims that when we move into a bigger place with our own room, everything will change, but if that really were the only issue she would find time now, i.e. when we have a baby sitter or go to a hotel, but the desire is not there. I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

Thanks for reading

 

[tman55]

Dude

I've got a question that I know has no definite answer, but I'm I'd like to know what you guys would do in my situation.

I'm 25, married to a beautiful Cuban girl, we have a 3 year old daughter together. As with most families when a child comes into the picture your sex life goes down hill. I expected that, but it's worse for me because with the birth of my daughter we chose to move into a small studio apt that is very close to her family. We planed on only living there for a year, but it's been about 3. Living in a studio that is really just one big room, it means that my wife and I can't really ever be alone. That's set back 1.

Now, she also gained a bunch of weight, that I'm now happy to say she's almost gotten rid of, but it too destroyed her self-image which for a women to be sexual is very important. That's set back 2.

Set back 3 is a combo of many little things plus the 2 above issues that adds up to her loosing her sex drive. I know for a 100% fact that she is faithful and loves me, but I can count on 1 hand how many times we've had sex in the last 3 years. and those few times I could tell it was out her guilt not because she truly wanted to.

So the question is......what would you do? I truly have no desire to cheat on her, it wouldn't satisfy me any more then my own hand and imagination. We went from almost every night to stopping cold turkey. I've been as understanding as I can, but 3 years!! I'm loosing my mind to say the least.

Oh and I've tried talking to her about it, no changes, she claims that when we move into a bigger place with our own room, everything will change, but if that really were the only issue she would find time now, i.e. when we have a baby sitter or go to a hotel, but the desire is not there. I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

Thanks for reading

Life is full of cycles. You have your up times and down times. You need to get away from the in-laws. i did that and it is no good. especially if you have issues with the parents. that causes stress on the relationship.

I don't think the kids the problem. Something is missing. probably you need to start building your friendship with her back to where is once must have been. you can't do that living with parents. you know start doing a couple new things...together....as a family...hobbies, family game time, sports, books...anything just do it and have a good time. then get some alone time with her. you know man just put it all back in place...one piece at a time.

it can get better. just don't do what you are doing now because it aint working....

 

[THEDENTIST]

I've got a question that I know has no definite answer, but I'm I'd like to know what you guys would do in my situation.

I'm 25, married to a beautiful Cuban girl, we have a 3 year old daughter together. As with most families when a child comes into the picture your sex life goes down hill. I expected that, but it's worse for me because with the birth of my daughter we chose to move into a small studio apt that is very close to her family. We planed on only living there for a year, but it's been about 3. Living in a studio that is really just one big room, it means that my wife and I can't really ever be alone. That's set back 1.

Now, she also gained a bunch of weight, that I'm now happy to say she's almost gotten rid of, but it too destroyed her self-image which for a women to be sexual is very important. That's set back 2.

Set back 3 is a combo of many little things plus the 2 above issues that adds up to her loosing her sex drive. I know for a 100% fact that she is faithful and loves me, but I can count on 1 hand how many times we've had sex in the last 3 years. and those few times I could tell it was out her guilt not because she truly wanted to.

So the question is......what would you do? I truly have no desire to cheat on her, it wouldn't satisfy me any more then my own hand and imagination. We went from almost every night to stopping cold turkey. I've been as understanding as I can, but 3 years!! I'm loosing my mind to say the least.

Oh and I've tried talking to her about it, no changes, she claims that when we move into a bigger place with our own room, everything will change, but if that really were the only issue she would find time now, i.e. when we have a baby sitter or go to a hotel, but the desire is not there. I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

Thanks for reading

Okay,

Does she work?
Does she or you clean the house?
Does your child sleep in a crib or with you and your wife?
Do you help her around the house cleaning?
What is holding you back from buying a home?
Do you have habits - drinking, never home, work alot, bother her about sex eveyday.

I will think of some more things, but this is a start.

Your Friend Frank

 

[THEDENTIST]

I've got a question that I know has no definite answer, but I'm I'd like to know what you guys would do in my situation.

I'm 25, married to a beautiful Cuban girl, we have a 3 year old daughter together. As with most families when a child comes into the picture your sex life goes down hill. I expected that, but it's worse for me because with the birth of my daughter we chose to move into a small studio apt that is very close to her family. We planed on only living there for a year, but it's been about 3. Living in a studio that is really just one big room, it means that my wife and I can't really ever be alone. That's set back 1.

Now, she also gained a bunch of weight, that I'm now happy to say she's almost gotten rid of, but it too destroyed her self-image which for a women to be sexual is very important. That's set back 2.

Set back 3 is a combo of many little things plus the 2 above issues that adds up to her loosing her sex drive. I know for a 100% fact that she is faithful and loves me, but I can count on 1 hand how many times we've had sex in the last 3 years. and those few times I could tell it was out her guilt not because she truly wanted to.

So the question is......what would you do? I truly have no desire to cheat on her, it wouldn't satisfy me any more then my own hand and imagination. We went from almost every night to stopping cold turkey. I've been as understanding as I can, but 3 years!! I'm loosing my mind to say the least.

Oh and I've tried talking to her about it, no changes, she claims that when we move into a bigger place with our own room, everything will change, but if that really were the only issue she would find time now, i.e. when we have a baby sitter or go to a hotel, but the desire is not there. I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

Thanks for reading

Okay,

Does she work?
Does she or you clean the house?
Does your child sleep in a crib or with you and your wife?
Do you help her around the house cleaning?
What is holding you back from buying a home?
Do you have habits - drinking, never home, work alot, bother her about sex eveyday.

I will think of some more things, but this is a start.

Thanks

Frank

 

[aikido_dragon]

Thanks for the advice

Tmann - Thanks for the advice, it's some of the best I've ever gotten and your so right when you say, "just don't do what you are doing now because it aint working."

Frank - to answer your questions, no she doesn't work, she's a stay at home mom, but when I get home from work I take on as much of the responsibilities as I can, she's not obligated to do any work and she knows it.

She does clean, but she doesn't go all out. On the weekends I'll do most of the chores that require real effort, such as scrubbing floors and things like that.

Our daughter sleeps in her own bed that is very close to ours and every now and then she'll crawl into bed with us, but that's not often. But like I said it's a studio apt. so we're very limited with our space.

I'm working on getting our own place and a few times I came very close to getting us a bigger apt, but we don't want to rent if we don't have too, and the chances are very good that this coming March will bring a big promotion at work, and then we can look at buying a house later in 2005.

To answer your last question, I'm home more then most fathers these days. I even left my last job because I was working 12 hours 6 days a week. I use to bug her about sex all the time, but for the last year I've not made it an issue. I'm very loving to her, and we act like the perfect couple doing fun things together. Our relationship is right on track except for in the bed room, but it's now getting to the point that I can hardly keep down my frustration.
I don't understand how you can love someone and not express that love physically for so long. I asked her about it not to long ago and she said she just ignores it and doesn't think about it. That just blows my mind !

The only bad habit I have is her. I'm addicted to my wife (lol). It's like going to an alcoholic giving them the best drink they have ever had in there life and once they are unimaginably hooked you say "Ok you can't drink anymore, but here is the bottle for you to hold and kiss and love, but you can't drink!!" The temptation is always there and it's driving me crazy.

I know I have to move out of the apt I'm in....maybe it truly is that simple, It sure can't hurt. Like Tmann says I've got to change something because what I'm doing isn't working.

Thanks my friends for your time, So tell me, what would your next step be?

Nick

 

[bayareastank]

Hire a babysitter or arrange for family to take the child for a night and then go out, have fun and rent a hotel room for the evening.

it's extremly important for the mom and dad to still maintain a 'date night' at least once a week. Any marriage therapist is going to tell you that, but i'll tell you for free :>

 

[CaptainAwesome]

inject testosterone in her while she is sleeping.

 

[Flash_Gordon]

bump

 

[steven]

First of all, man, I know this has to suck - as a man and as a husband. I dont know that this is even close to the best place to look for information and aid,,, but hell at least your looking and asking around.

That said, I have no kids (choice) and never been married (luck, choice, and rejection) so I might not be the ideal person to ramble advice for a good half page - but watch me do it anyway:

How old is your wife? I assume close to the same age? - you of course know wemon get into thier prime closer to 30-something right? (As I prepair to turn 28 in week, I see this more and more and appreciate it more and more). But this seems like too easy a reply and not at all an answer to the problum,,,

About all I can say Id that I agree with a few earlier statements, get her outta there - go back to dating and doing new things - even w/o the sex, your relationship has to grow - and usually the relationship has to grow to get the sex - its a 50/50 shot,,, but again, as was said earlier "just don't do what you are doing now because it aint working....".
And thats a fucking quote not just from SDC but from the hundred or so relationship head shrinks ive seen.

Its gonna sound crazy, but if your into lifting, and she's loosing weight - do some new shit - rock climbing (or indoor rock climbing classes) are esp good if your bulky cause your gonna suck at it and that makes her feel 2x as good about herself. (check to see if you can work as a rappel/belay team to reinforce your partnership and trust)
sea kayaking (or calm water) will take more work than you think, but is docile enough she doesnt have to play Rambo to enjoy new scenery with you (nature always doubles brownie points) -
I have no idea what she's into, but bitch, YOU best be willing to learn to ballroom dance (waltz is easier than it looks) or whatever other crazy shit youve seen her eyeballing in the sunday paper, Oprah gave tickets too, or God forbid her parents did a year ago. And do it as if she's the only woman in the world.

Than again, I cant keep a girlfriend for more than three weeks. better not do anything I suggest. LOL.

 

[Fuji1]

okay giving it a try.

I'm married for 17 years and have 2 children and been through this. After child birth a lof of woman forget about sex since they have a child! I know it sounds crazy but remember we are animals man decided he wasn't. It takes time to get out of that birthing a baby mind set and can take 3 years easy. Forget about pushing it doesn't work you have to encourage and take what you get. This happened with the first not the second so maybe nervous about being a new mom? You do need to work some situation out. Sorry dude.

Between 3-5 years it things get back to normal. This is one of the main strains on kids and marriage. Then the kids get older and the problems become more serious and you wish all you were worried about was sex.

JJC

 

[Gel]

Are any women going to post some advice here???

 

[aikido_dragon]

bayareastank / steven / Fuji1,

Thanks for the advice, it's all good. It's difficult to see the obvious when you have a flood of testosterone in your body. Fuji seems to be right on... I had a heart-to-heart with her and she has a hard time separating being a Mom and a Wife. Living in such a small place is the biggest issue however. That is why I've already made plans to move out into a large 3 bedroom place sometime in 2005, and things should get better. I'm not expecting her to be like she was when we were dating(Damn were those amazing times), but any improvement is better at this point. Like you guys have said, just don't do what I've been doing, cause it ain't working. We shall see...

Gel is also right...women's advice would be greatly appreciated, not just for me either. I'm sure others have the same problem as I do.

Nick

 

[Puddles]

My sex drive was down when my daughter was younger and I was a stay at home mom. I think it started to pick up again when she was around 5 y.o. and I was in my early 30's. It was never gone, just less than usual.

Just reassure her that you're attracted to her and you desire her company, not only in bed but doing everyday things. Flirt with her. Give her those little sexy nudges without being too demanding. Hold her hand when you're out together. Do things that will surprise her...like instead of a peck on the cheek, give her a 10 second kiss. Little steps just like you'd do with a virgin to help her get back in the mood.

 

[aikido_dragon]

Just wanted to give an update...

I've since moved to a larger apt. and I'm very happy to say that things are getting back on track. My wife and I have our own space, and feel like a couple again. She's even starting to workout and take better care of herself, which also helps her self-confidence and overall mood.

So just wanted to say thanks again for everyone's advice.

Nick

 

[sleepywizard]

Good For You!!!!!!!

 

[Fender]

Glad it has all worked out for you. I found this thread too late and the problem seems to be resolving itself. We went through the same thing when our children were born and it takes a while for the hormones to get back into check after childbirth. Just be there for her and don't get pissed when she says no (this took me a little while but I got over myself).

 

[cubanojoe]

All cubans are nuts. If you cheat on her and get caught you better be ready to pay the price...