I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.


New member
Hi everyone, I could really do with some help and advice please. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years and love him so much. But I honestly, really don't know what to do anymore as he has become a completely different person. He has gone from being my best friend to being the most horrible, abusive bully - nothing like the man I fell in love with.

He is taking:
T3/T4 (mon-fri)
Clen (3 weeks on 2 weeks off)
Prop - every 3 days
Tren a every 3 days
Mast every 3 days

He is dieting and preparing for his first show and I have tried my very best to be understanding and supportive through this but my life has just become a total nightmare.

Like all couples, of course we fight, and I am not perfect, of course I have faults and have done and said some silly things but I have bettered myself as a person and he acknowledges that. Yet he brings up the past and blames me for "changing" him into this abusive person he now is and I am just so sad because I really just wanted to be better for him. My heart tells me to stay but my mind is so confused. It has got to the point now I just can't trust anything he says and I am thinking of leaving him although it will kill me but I just don't want to be here if he truly doesn't want me for the right reasons. I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who cannot respect me and he keeps telling me "it's the tren" but I don't understand why he doesn't even try to comfort me or be there for me. He just expects me to get it.

He hits me, he has pulled my hair, he has punched me, slapped me, kicked me, dragged me out of the car and on the pavement, my back was all cut up, my lip was bust, he is bullying me nearly everyday, I get the blame for everything, he doesn't communicate with me, he doesn't act like a lover, he wants to have sex but it doesn't feel like it means anything anymore and I'm scared that he is just using me now. Anytime, I try to talk to him, about my feelings, about this, he tells me to stop because he will just get angry. Then I stop and now I'm just scared of him. He went from not being able to see himself with another girl after me to "I don't know". That broke my heart, and I wanted to talk to him about that. How can I sleep with a man that hasn't even talked to me when I have been upset? He doesn't seem to care about me anymore and makes me feel cheap and dirty with some of the things he says.

We do not live together, so that just makes things a little worse too as when I want to see him now he will refuse and I don't know when or if I will ever see him again.

It was two years since my father passed away on Sunday, I was upset Saturday night and somehow we got into an argument. The next day (dads death anniversary), he hardly spoke to me, I was begging him, calling and texting to talk to me and sort things out, he rang me and I could tell he didn't want to speak, he left again. I was really hurt because I thought he loved me and would support me on a day like that but he didn't. I then found him following a number of girls on instagram. I figured he was doing this whilst I was begging him to sort things out with me and I was upset. He told me he only follows women who are fitness related, but then he went and followed a bunch of very attractive girls who are not fitness related at all. He told me it's none of my business and he can do what he like so when he likes.

This whole week he hasn't talked to me properly and it feels like I've lost him. But still I didn't give up on him, he tells me to leave him alone, that it's over and then he says I'm not understanding, I'm talking to a man who is dieting, calorie restricted, sleep deprived etc and that his answer today will change in a months time. He tells me one minute to leave him alone, it's over and the next, he tells me not to leave, he loves me and I shouldn't ignore him when he's angry. He is playing with my feelings and mindfucking me, I don't know what to do.

Today, he wanted to have sex and I was with my family and I said I'm sorry but I can't, I need time as I am so upset still. If we are together then it is different, of course I want to sleep with him but if I am in my house, I'm not going to leave just to sleep with him and then feel even more crap about myself. He had a go at me and told me it's over and if I wanted to sleep with him I would have done. Why doesn't he understand that the relationship means more to me than just meaningless sex?

I am going through a tough year too, he knows this and I need his support as much as he needs mine and I am trying. Why does he blame everything on me? Why doesn't he care that I am upset, that my life is also very stressful at the moment and I need him too? He is being so selfish and tells me that his mum is angry and doesn't want him to talk to me because I cause him to be so angry all the time. How is that right? She doesn't even know that he beats me up and treats me like crap, if she knew she would be thanking me for sticking by him and not going to the police. I feel so lonely and sad, everything I do is for our relationship but he says and does the most horrible things to me.

What do I do? I love him so much and I'm so scared of losing him. But honestly it really just feels like I am just nothing to him anymore but someone to have sex with. He even tells me when he's angry that that's all he wants, he doesn't want me, he doesn't want any contact, that he just wants sex. Then when things are ok between us he tells me how much he loves me and that I shouldn't listen to him when he's angry, he doesn't mean anything. Honestly though, now my heart is telling me he is using me and playing with my feelings but I suppose I have a little hope and that's why I am here now.

I can't talk to anyone else about this because none of my friends understand steroid use, I have done some research but I've never taken anything like what he does. If I speak to his friends they will take his side, I can't speak to his family. I can't speak to anyone.

Please, be nice. I have had a horrible year, a horrible week. Go back to work tomorrow and don't really want to. I feel so low, and just need someone to help me. What do I do? Do I stand by him, it's only 6 weeks left, or does my boyfriend honestly not love me anymore? All I know is, if I stay with him and he continues this after his show, I will just completely lose myself.
Thank you.
Your Boyfriend is on a Hormone Driven Roller-Coaster ride with all the Gear he is doing.

The Question you have to ask yourself is, "Do I want to continue in an Abusive Relationship".
Sounds like from what you are saying that it's getting Dangerous for you.
He could wind-up Seriously Hurting you, cause He's Out of Control.

I would Leave Him till after his show.
Hopefully he does a PCT, gets his Hormones back in line, and becomes a Human Being again.
If not, things will only Escalate, and then you'll be in the Hospital or Morgue................................ JP
I wish you All the Best ~ Keep your own Well-being in mind when you make your Decision ~ cause He apparently isn't.
I did not read your whole post. I couldn't. Anybody who is getting treated wrongly in a relationship needs to walk away. I'm a guy and I've been shit on in past relationships. Not worth hanging around to see if things get better. No guy should EVER put his hands on a woman! If he is not going to respect you, show yourself some respect and walk away. Plenty of guys out there that will see you and value what they have with you to be waisting your time.

Be happy you don't live together. It makes walking away a lot easier. I've left so much stuff behind. Things can be replaced. Time can't. If doing steroids and competitions are more important than showing you respect, you are better off leaving.

I'm sorry you had to go through what you did.
you should really have a heart to heart as noone should live in a violent relationship.
Relationships are not really something others can give advice on. Nobody knows what they would do in your shoes until they are in them. Ultimately.......leaving an unhealthy relationship of any kind, is better for both parties. Maybe a break then reunite when things get healthier? Do you love him? If you really love him then it's impossible for you or anyone else to coach you on this. Love for someone is hard, if not impossible, to control. Love makes us all do some really stupid things. Almost every human being on earth would sacrifice their health and safety for the sake of love. It blinds us all from making clear decisions and personally????? I think it's worth it. I lived most of my life not experiencing love and once I did find it I can tell you I would have given my life for one day with her. My point is.....you're gonna have to figure this one out on your own. If this is really love then you may be willing to pay the ultimate price for it.....and no one else is gonna be able to advise in that case.
So......the best I can come up with is this. Do some serious thinking, self reflecting, soul searching and decide if this is a love that you can't or don't want to live without. If so, then begin the process of trying to heal the behavior and the process of accepting the risk you are taking. Both with your feelings and with your life. If it is not love.....then bail out and go find love. Protect yourself and search for real love because it's fucking worth it. Either way.....I hope it works out and you find love or find that you already have it. Good luck and ask for help if you need it. If you find yourself in an unsafe spot, because you decided to stay, then make sure you have an exit strategy. If this is love....then I pray that soon the hormone abuse ends and the relationship becomes exactly what you're looking for. Take care
Hi JP, thanks for responding.

It is his first show in May and I went to Rome with him last year as his friend was competing. I loved it and I was really excited to support him in May for his. To me, if i cant be here with him through this dieting and training then there is no point believing i really have a future with him. I have tried explaining this to him, i said, we can talk after 7 weeks about everything but please give me some time, dont expect me to just 'fuck' you whenever you want when im hurting and just want to be loved by you. He got angry and thats when it all kicked off again. He said i cant even carry out my 'duty' to fuck him. I asked him about his duty to care for me. he is just horrible. We met up today, he ended it for good, he threw my ring away and he has deleted me from his contacts. I have finally found the courage to start telling my friends and family, my sister was been great, she has made me realise I cant do anything, he will kill me if i stay and to be honest, you're right, he isnt bothered about my well being, he isnt bothered about me at all and if i am going to cause him stress when he should be preparing for him competition then its best i sacrifice my love for him. I just think these steroids have really messed him up, when he talks to me now i see anger, i see a crazy man. when he kisses me it feels wrong. He has told me he will carry on doing shows. i wish him the best, i really do, but if we cant support each other during this then theres no need for me to be here.

Thank you.
Hi, thanks for responding.

I am sorry you have had some tough past relationships.
You're right, I am glad I didnt leave my family for him, my mum and brother have heard us arguing, they arent happy with him and I am glad I didnt leave the people that really care about me for someone who doesnt value me. I do love him, i will always care for him but wishing him the best and but i need to understand that my place in his life holds no value anymore. He has left me for good today.

I have also said the same thing to him. I said once your show is over, its over, you might do more but is it really worth it when you turn into such a horrible person and push away those that genuinely love you? he doesnt care. I do hope that he does well with it, then i hope he finds someone he can love, i dont want him putting another woman through this.

Hi, I have finally opened up to some friends and my sister who have been so supportive. he has officially left me today after i had to beg him again to stop confusing me and just be straight. it is very upsetting that strangers seem to be more supportive than he is at this moment in time. I guess i have lost my best friend.

Thank you for responding.
Thank you for responding.

I spoke to him today, asked for closure if he really does not want me anymore. He finally met me up, shouted in front of people, it is so hard to calm him down but i somehow managed to. He threw the ring he bought me onto the ground. He ended it and told me he means it, he is done with me. he cant forgive things that i have done and said to him. he doesn't care if i am in love with him or if i am bettering myself. he has left me for good. there is no future. however, he will have sex with me and sex only. he spoke to me so disrespectfully, tried to put his hands on me and it felt wrong. he even tried to kiss me and i stupidly kissed him but it felt dirty. he calls me a slag if i dont sleep with him because ive slept with my exes before him who i didnt love. so if i could sleep with someone i havent loved that means i should be sleeping with him. he doesnt understand that i love him and cant have meaningless sex with him, theres a difference and really he should be glad about that but he isnt, shows a lot. i cant be called a slag, not by the man i love.he keeps saying if i loved him i would fuck him. I was crying and he was talking to me so disrespectfully telling me that even then he wants to fuck me. instead of holding me he was being so disgusting. i told him i can only sleep with him when i know he is truly in love with me. i said that because i hope deep down he realises what he is saying to me. he told me would it be better if he lied and said he did? would i fuck him then? when i speak to him about my feelings he has so much attitude, he looks as though hes bored and falling asleep. i feel so down.

He left me a few months into the start of our relationship, thats when he was also using trenbolone and other gear. I struggled so much without him and i fell in love with him very soon into the relationship. i contacted him after a few months and thats when we started talking again. about approx 4 months in the abuse started, to be honest so much has happened, i cant even be sure. but he says its the gear, I dont even know if he really was on anything the first time it happened. i have noticed that he doesnt get into confrontations with men, a few times ive been spoken to rudely by some men and he did nothing. then when we argue and a woman tries to help me, he shouts at her too. he bad mouths my brother who has been there for me since losing my dad and even before then. one time, i was crying on the road after he kept slapping me and a man came out of his house to ask if i was ok, my partner said nothing to the mans face but later on bad mouthed him too. im starting to feel that he just abuses women. his sister has said that he is a bully (he doesnt get along with her) and his ex had apparently been hit by him once too. he denied both.

I am struggling, I will struggle, I will be reminded of him, i will think of him everyday because i love him. i have fought so much for him and so many times that now i feel like he can do whatever he wants to me, i will forgive him. that isnt love. after today, my hearts telling me its over, i know he's gone. i begged and begged, no matter what, my best wishes are honestly with him. but i just want him to love me back. i dont think he ever will. i think this is just how life worked out for both of us.

I know what i feel for him is real, i love the man to the moon and back a million times and would happily sacrifice my whole life just so he can be happy. but he is a grown man and after today, i think i am just fighting for something that has gone and probably left a long time ago.

But the thing is, part of me hopes it is the gear and he will be back. but then i know, even if it is, i need time and i need to see loyalty and change from him but i know he isnt the type of man who 'makes up' for things when he has done wrong. he is very stubborn and i know he will never fight for me. maybe it is my fault, maybe i shouldnt be so afraid. this is the second time he has done this.

true love wouldnt hurt like this. i cant leave him but i have to because he has left me. if i keep chasing him now, i will just annoy him and he will hate me.

Thanks again for responding and for letting me share my feelings with you all.
Hi all, thank you very much for your kind responses.

An update to the situation: He met me after work and ended it for good. I tried to fight one last time but it didnt work. He bought me a ring a few months ago and prmised me he would never leave me. i asked him if he means what he says to take the ring back, he told me to throw it in the bin and i told him he should do that if he means what he is saying, he threw it to the floor. I got my answer. He keeps talking about sex now and its got to the point I cant be around him. a man that once looked at me lovingly is now watching me cry and still trying to touch me up. i dont know what i have done to deserve all of this but this is where my life has brought me. i thought i was being a supportive gf during this time, but lack of communication, sorry refusing to communicate has brought us here. i dont hate him i just wish he understood that i am not a bad person and i am willing to still be there after everything. the sad thing is no matter how much i love him, if he doesnt love me back then i have nothing.

I explained that we both have faults and i want to support him and be there for his show but he said no. he said after 6 weeks he doesnt want to know me then either. he doesnt want me at his competition and i guess if i cant be there for his first one then i wont be there for any others. when i tried to talk about the abuse and bullying, he said i made him like that it is my fault and i deserve it. he never truly apologises. when i say i am sorry thats when he says he is sorry too. its never heartfelt. i am heartbroken and cannot see my life without him. i dont know how long it will take to heal but i want to thank you all for being so kind and supportive and for responding.

it is nice to hear from people that have experience or knowledge of steroid use who are telling me its not all my fault. i guess this is a new chapter.

thank you. x
Hindsight is always 20/20. You are young. He is old enough to know how to act like a man and how to treat a woman. No excuse whatsoever for that kind of behavior. You can definitely do better. Keep your head up and try not to let this experience effect future relationships. There are good people out there.
he's 9 years older than you and acting a fool? the use of anabolics is no excuse for being abusive

leave him... stop answering his calls and texts.. you dont deserve to be treated that way
Listen to everyone else on this forum: leave him. They're all correct with their opinions. And just like tbonexl, I did not read the rest of your post. I didn't read your next posts either. Just one quick scan of each post and reading a few of the words in them reveals that he doesn't deserve you. As a woman, I can't stand seeing the details of how a man is abusing a woman. It makes me upset. Leave him, heal yourself, and spend your time with a different man who will make you happy. There are a lot of great guys out there and you deserve to be happy.
well said
Listen to everyone else on this forum: leave him. They're all correct with their opinions. And just like tbonexl, I did not read the rest of your post. I didn't read your next posts either. Just one quick scan of each post and reading a few of the words in them reveals that he doesn't deserve you. As a woman, I can't stand seeing the details of how a man is abusing a woman. It makes me upset. Leave him, heal yourself, and spend your time with a different man who will make you happy. There are a lot of great guys out there and you deserve to be happy.
I just signed up to ask the exact same question. I’m in the same situation, how does this website work? Can anybody talk to me? I feel so lost
I didnt make it past him hitting you. Leave. Just leave.

I have been on a Buffett of medications due to epilepsy and even in fits of rage where I was shaking and unable to even form sentence did I ever hit my wife.

I'm sorry I can't read more but it'll get stuck in my head and I'll have fantasies of fighting him. I cant stand woman beaters.

You deserve better.