Hi mate, I'm 25yo now and I was diagnosed with secondary hypogonadism at the age of 18-19.
I went through ABSOLUTE HELL with my experience mentally and physically. If you need any support or have any questions please give me a PM and I will probably be able to help you. I would not wish what I went through on anyone and I'd be more than happy to help.
I went to have sex at age 16 but couldn't get it up and this spiralled into a complete phobia of sex and I didn't even know I had low testosterone. My mum left me with my dad when I was 8 to go marry a millionaire. My father was a seedy man and I used to find all sorts of illegal porn & shit on my computer - dirty stuff like beastiality stuff - when I was younger and I always thought that my issues with sex were related to being psychologically affected by this. He used to make me go to the pub with him every night until one day when he came up to my room drunk and sat on me trying to play fight but I just wanted him gone (always did this) I threw him off me when I was 13 and said I didn't want to sit in the pub with him every night. He used to make me get in the bath after he'd been in there with two random barmaids fucking who knew me since I was little and I felt dirty all the time going to school in the morning. I started drinking every morning at age 13 and by the time it came for me to have sex - it wasn't happening and I thought it was because of all that stuff.
Anyway I used to fall asleep randomly throughout the day, had no drive or libido and I kept going to the doctors getting blood tests for years until finally I was told by a doctor who knew what they were doing that every test I had had done, even though the test levels were in the normal range, this was the range for men of ALL ages and I was at the lowest point - the levels of a 90 year old man. I then had to fight and fight to get put on TRT. It took 3 years because in the UK, TRT is not a life or death thing and it costs money. Started with Nebido every 3 months: rubbish. Then on to the gel: rubbish.
Then sustanon which is what I asked for in the first place and BOOM. I felt great..... for the first 10 days or so and then like crap again. 3 years in I begged to be put on 250mg every 2 weeks which is what I am on now. I knew this was a more sensible dose but it took so so long for me to convince them because even though the levels were lower in the 2nd and 3rd weeks they said that I was still in range. I did'n't care what the range said - I felt like turd. I ended up doing a very low calorie diet before my blood tests to bring my levels down: just to get put on that 250mg every 2 weeks. All that nonsense just for a standard dose.
Anyway, my psychological issues didn't go away. I was on and off with a girl for 5 years while all this was going on. I just always avoided sex and made an excuse. I loved her but she kept dumping me and I kept getting back with her and this made me feel worse and worse. I always thought it was because I was like a less of a man and it was due to the sex thing.
One day I finally built up the courage to tell her that I had a fear of sex. I explained all about my Dad, the first time I tried to have sex at 16 and all of it, came completely clean. She cried and said I should have just told her and gave me a big hug. All was happily ever after.
Actually it wasn't. The next day, I could'n't get hold of her on her phone and I went out to some club at uni thinking she might be there. Couldn't find her all night until I walked past a kebab shop and saw her getting with some lad with her hands all over him... Broke me that did. I then came to believe that my truth and everything i had told her was just unacceptably bad. I had stopped drinking alcoholically when I left high school but at this point, this was the point when I didn't care if I lived or died.
I started drinking every day. I had made apps for the iPhone that were generating loads of money for me and I was just buying bag after bag of coke and I was a complete mess. I took high dose DNP as well for nearly a year straight while drinking to keep the fat off from my indulgence. Smashed my car, lost my licence, went to 3 rehabs over 4 years, felt like I was going to die every night from the DNP and had to get cold showers several times. Didn't care. Taking all sorts of mad research chemicals, some to get high, some just because they sounded cool. I got cataracts from the DNP, became homeless and ended up in bournemouth which was the other side of the country for me - I slept under a bridge and made friends with other homeless people and helped them get their heroin - was never my thing heroin. Lol I also remember talking to some prostitute about the psychological effects of what she was doing for a career while supping a 2l bottle of cider.
utter madness. I am still alive though and I've been clean 2 years now. With regards to the psychological stuff, counselling didn't help me at all and Alcoholics Anonymous didn't help my addiction. What did help though was reading the following books:
Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey for my addiction
Taming The Feast Beast by Louis Trimpey for dieting (everyone should read this, honestly it gives you total control over your diet. It's for people with eating disorders but the same principles allow you to do any diet will make you very mentally strong. I applied the ideas from this book to the sexual psychological stuff. There is a mental technique that you practice and you can use it on any issue you have: eating, drinking, feelings of being less than etc.)
The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle which helps you realise what really matters. I read this and I knew I was sorted.
For some perspective, I have my own house now, good job, no issues sexually and generally happy. Looking to move to California next year as I hate the weather in the UK. Give me a PM if you are struggling mate, I've probably been there done it and got the sleeveless T-Shirt.
