Really fucked up, really need help.

[needhelp0101]

Hmmm, There's a lot to write, so let me just start here, i know i did everything wrong, i know i'm an idiot, just save the rude shit to yourself.

When i was around 15-16 I started working out, not far after, i developed gyno, and bad acne on my back, without the use of anything.

After about 2 years, (when i turned 18), i got severely depressed, due to my parents both dying and my gyno related issues alone, the gym was an escape for a little while, so I kept at it.

Eventually i got to the point of, what the fuck matters anymore, i had gyno, i had acne,, what else could go wrong? if i already have gyno without steroids, who cares what happens if i take them, it's not like i could take my shirt off anyways, so i started doing steroids, my friends guided me in the "right" direction, telling me what to take, and teaching me about it, my first cycle was test 500 mg, second was test/dbol, third was anadrol/test/deca, and that's about it.

My gyno problems never seemed to get better, i knew i already had it , so i didn't worry about AI's, or anything.

Before anyone says anything, I thought i was going to be dead by now, i was really suicidal before anything, and i didn't expect to live this long, i am working the same minimum wage shit job and dropped out of school twice due to bad anxiety, as soon as i found out about presentations and what not, i just dropped out, i can't do anything like that.

Recently i've realized, i'm still alive, if i'm not going to kill myself, i need to start getting better, so i took the first step of finding a surgeon in ontario, i got prices on the surgery and everything was too much, i barely have no money, but than my doctor got news that theres a surgeon in my own city that will due the surgery for free, covered by insurance

But this is where i get screwed, i never really stopped taking steroids, it's been like 4 years, and i thought my test levels would be fucked either way, so i decided to keep at a low dosage of 250 mg, which i've been on for around 2 months, the only problem is, i still have gyno symptons, my nipples if squeezed produce some clear fluid, even with test alone, i don't know what it is



I really tried to get off steroids, i know i fucked up, but as soon as i stop taking shit, people at work start to joke around saying "oh off steroids? and laugh at me, as soon as i get skinny everyone starts saying shit like what happened to you? etc, and it seriously hurts, i'm not sure why, if it was up to me i'd be off them, but people keep saying shit that makes me feel like i have no other choice, they've helped a lot, i lost a bit, but not all, since i'm running low dosage of test


Basically i have my surgery for gyno, next month, what would you guys do? im trying to see the light, but nothing good ever seems to happen to me, after my parents died it's been shit, i feel being bigger than everyone is the only thing i have left,

i'm started to get a bit worse again, my mindset is that, if i stop steroids completely, i MIGHT not get gyno back, but if i want to start up again, i know gyno will come back, since even low dosage of test seems to effect me


I don't know what to do at this point, gyno has ruined most of my teenage years alraedy, couldn't go to parties, couldn't go to the beach, it's not that bad, but at the same time i feel, whats the point of being jacked if you have to wear baggy t shirts to hide it all?


I'm not sure if this is where i should be going to ask this, but it is steroid related so i just searched for a forum, not sure how anybody is around here, i might just get flamed off, but yeah.

Do i stop completely right now? get blood tests? before my surgery?

sorry if this doesn't make much sense, im at work right now on my phone just questioning everything i'm doing, i haven't accomplished anything in my life and it just sucks, i feel old already since i'm 22 and people in my graduating class are already done with school, have good jobss, etc.


I know it sounds like im a pussy, but it just seems people only care about girls "body issues", i'm not sure if i really have them, but i can't stand people making fun of other peoples weight, leave everyone the fuck alone, it's just as bad calling a girl fat as it is calling a guy skinny.

my other questions are, what if i stop everything and start working out again after my surgery naturally? will i still see gains? people have told me after you stop taking them you fuck your whole system up, and it's nearly impossible to gain anything without them. etc

 

[Buzzbait]

How old are you???

 

[needhelp0101]

i just turned 22

 

[Manski]

Don't worry bout what people say ! Who cares ! Read the Bible bro. Build yourself a foundation. I would def say stay off the juice right now and clear your head my friend. AA helps on addictions of every kind and also teaches you how to do all theses things I just mentioned.

 

[J-Radical]

I would seriously look into seeing a mental health care professional asap. You need to get your mind healthy as well as your body.

 

[3J]

whats your current weight and height?? what was your weight and height when you started cycling?

 

[DeeXII]

I agree with the above posts. Go to the doctors and explain how you feel much like you did here today. That doctor should set you up with multiple services such as social worker, mental health, appropriate blood tests, and so on. Build a plan from scratch.. Think of what things you enjoy doing in this world, and then find the road to achieving those things.. Start with small steps and take one day at a time. Make sure you work toward your goals on a daily basis. Most of all, enjoy life. I'm sure your parents are watching over you and hoping you can pull through this. They want you to be happy, so do your best to acomplish that. Above all, life is worth living.
P.S, I'm sure there is a girl out there that would love to play with your bitch tits. Just enjoy hers in return.

Good luck!

 

[needhelp0101]

whats your current weight and height?? what was your weight and height when you started cycling?

I was 5'9 180 before i started, and right now im 5'10 or 11 and 230, i was around 250 before i went to a low dose test

thanks guys, the thing with my doctor is, hes friends with this social service worker, so he tries to send everyone to her, and it's like 100 dollars an hour, and social service workers can't prescribe anything if i needed it, which sucks.

 

[needhelp0101]

thanks man this means a lot

 

[Megatron28]

I agree with the recommendations to seek psychological help as soon as possible. Healing the mind is as important as important as healing the body.

 

[weights=life]

You shouldn't worry about someone who can help being able to prescribe something. You have gone through some very traumatic events that you need to work through, no drug will help you overcome the psychological damage that has been done. Who cares what people think, they have their own flaws and problems. You should find strength in what you've had to deal with it and being able to stay afloat. I don't exactly know how things work in Canada. But in the States I know there are public services that don't cost anything to be able to talk with someone. I strongly recommend you do that.

As for the gear part. You should definitely get off. Run a pct, get some bloods done. And continue to train naturally, especially if it helps you escape the bullshit that is life. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Hypnotix]

Definitely keep hitting the weights sir! If it's kept you going through all of that, imagine what an entire lifetime of it could do for you.

I can tell that you're not in such a desperate state any longer, that you've developed since the times you've opened up about. But, I can still tell you're in need of people to talk to, and for that I express my most sincere condolences. If you need someone to talk to about stuff, aside from a medical professional, I will gladly message back and forth with you.

You seem like a good person that just took a few steps down a bad path following a tragic event. I'd recommend cutting out all the AAS, for a while at least. Learn to live normally again, unless it's medically necessary you be put on TRT after such long use (I would definitely PCT and look into this considering your situation). Aside from that I'd begin pinpointing little things about yourself that are "off" or dumbed down from depression and desensitizing... and just work everyday on those mannerisms, be more social, and actively pursue a better, healthier version of yourself.

Glad you made it through all that man, take it easy. Hope to see you around here!

 

[Onk]

Don't worry bout what people say ! Who cares ! Read the Bible bro. Build yourself a foundation

I'm sorry, but WHAT?

He made no mention of his religion, if he even has any and you've gone as far as to tell him to read a particular mythology's book?
What he really needs is friends/family, love, guidance and a good bit of counselling if readily available.

Please don't go recommending a particular religious view as a solution to a problem.

 

[Manski]

I'm sorry, but WHAT?

He made no mention of his religion, if he even has any and you've gone as far as to tell him to read a particular mythology's book?
What he really needs is friends/family, love, guidance and a good bit of counselling if readily available.

Please don't go recommending a particular religious view as a solution to a problem.

If you don't like my post just don't read them my friend. It's clear to see your not a believer and thats your choice but please don't tell me what to post.

 

[Manski]

I'm sorry, but WHAT?

He made no mention of his religion, if he even has any and you've gone as far as to tell him to read a particular mythology's book?
What he really needs is friends/family, love, guidance and a good bit of counselling if readily available.

Please don't go recommending a particular religious view as a solution to a problem.

Your best counselor comes from the one you made us ! If things get bad enough your so called friends and family will leave you ! See, I went through a real life situation when people thought I was a killer, not just a user name. Everybody abandoned me ! I went through 8 81/2 months of trial and the only person in my corner was my Mother and God. The truth came out and I was free ! My personal relationship with God was what got me through and is what gets me through life. Once things get bad for you my friend you will be humbled. Don't wait till then.

 

[anzel]

People thought you were a killer? As in murderer?

 

[SJC]

A strong mind is the best thing anyone can have. Weak bodies are created by a weak mind. Get your mind right, then worry about your body.

I read you are getting Gyno surgery. I had it done too. All my life not matter how thin I was I had titties. I have to say the boost in confidence I/you get from that changed me. That will get you on the right track to building your mindset.

 

[Onk]

Your best counselor comes from the one you made us ! If things get bad enough your so called friends and family will leave you ! See, I went through a real life situation when people thought I was a killer, not just a user name. Everybody abandoned me ! I went through 8 81/2 months of trial and the only person in my corner was my Mother and God. The truth came out and I was free ! My personal relationship with God was what got me through and is what gets me through life. Once things get bad for you my friend you will be humbled. Don't wait till then.

You are bat shit crazy. You have just said that when shit gets bad for me.....like it is inevitable, that I'll be humbled because I don't have the self belief and support structure to my life to get through things.
Thankfully, I am in control of my life and my friends and family wouldn't leave me. I'm sorry you have such fickle loved ones that weren't to be trusted.

This is the exact reason you don't tell people to follow religion as a path of support. You say evil things such as this, with no foundation of logic.

I am however glad that your belief got you through it all and out the other side.
Unlike you, I won't wish the worst upon you.

Maybe you should look to Buddhism, you might become a nicer person.

 

[needhelp0101]

You shouldn't worry about someone who can help being able to prescribe something. You have gone through some very traumatic events that you need to work through, no drug will help you overcome the psychological damage that has been done. Who cares what people think, they have their own flaws and problems. You should find strength in what you've had to deal with it and being able to stay afloat. I don't exactly know how things work in Canada. But in the States I know there are public services that don't cost anything to be able to talk with someone. I strongly recommend you do that.

As for the gear part. You should definitely get off. Run a pct, get some bloods done. And continue to train naturally, especially if it helps you escape the bullshit that is life. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

thank you, yeah i'm about a week off right now, im pcting, going to get blood tests soon, (not sure what to expect after like 4 years though).. and my gyno surgery is in around 20 days, i might have to extend it depending on what the bloods say

 

[needhelp0101]

Definitely keep hitting the weights sir! If it's kept you going through all of that, imagine what an entire lifetime of it could do for you.

I can tell that you're not in such a desperate state any longer, that you've developed since the times you've opened up about. But, I can still tell you're in need of people to talk to, and for that I express my most sincere condolences. If you need someone to talk to about stuff, aside from a medical professional, I will gladly message back and forth with you.

You seem like a good person that just took a few steps down a bad path following a tragic event. I'd recommend cutting out all the AAS, for a while at least. Learn to live normally again, unless it's medically necessary you be put on TRT after such long use (I would definitely PCT and look into this considering your situation). Aside from that I'd begin pinpointing little things about yourself that are "off" or dumbed down from depression and desensitizing... and just work everyday on those mannerisms, be more social, and actively pursue a better, healthier version of yourself.

Glad you made it through all that man, take it easy. Hope to see you around here!

thanks a lot, it means a lot

do you know if you can still make gains naturally? people have told me without aas now, it'll be wayyy harder to get where i want to be, any input on that? or is it true? Instead of going to get huge, i'm going to stick to being lean, the weight im carrying right now isn't even healthy, or so my doctor has said, it's been hurting my joints a lot. If my goal now is to just stay lean year long, i think i'll be able to do it with diet alone