Depression from Being too Small?

Conrad0032

Conrad0032

New member
So lately I've just been in the dumps for a while now, cause I realize I'm still bitch-mode when it comes to lifting. I keep having the urge to run a cycle of test, but I'm 19, so I keep telling myself not to for reasons everyone here already knows. Even if I PR on a lift and I'm feeling good, 2 hours later I'm sitting at home studying and then realize I'm still far from being anything respectable. I recently hit a PR on deadlift of 600lbs, but just never find it enough and dwell upon it too much. I'm not planning on cycling until I'm at least 21, but I don't know how long I can feel like this. I didn't have these thoughts when i started lifting, only once I got really serious, lifting gradually swallowed who I am I guess...

Does anyone think that taking a cycle would do anything positive for my mentality, or would I still be the same, just with a bigger total? I tell myself I'd feel good about myself if I was 250lbs lean, benched 405, deadlifted 800+, and what not; but at the same time I feel I'll just be in the same place I am now... just without my hair or balls xD I prioritize lifting too much in my life, it basically is the majority of my life and it's what I look forward to everyday, but I feel stupid for being so serious about it and yet I'm still so small and weak.

Anyone have similar problems? Can anyone relate to what I'm saying? I feel like I need to figure out a way to reinvent myself with lifting being part of my life but not all of it, and the only way I see that happening is if I hop on gear and get to a half decent size and strength. I'm too lost on this.
 
I know what you are saying. I started at 18. I am also on testosterone replacement therapy (TRT) for life for fucking myself up. HPTA is completely shut down and my natural LH and FSH is practically non existent.

You will feel great the 12-16 weeks you are on the gear. You will want to kill yourself when you come off and possibly damage yourself for life.
 
Taking a cycle will probably be the worst thing you could do not because of the bull shit your too young but you just described an addict let me tell you one thing you'll never be satisfied you could take a hundred cycles you'll still feel small and what's going to happen is your going to take a cycle like the results then get used to the results very fast then that's were you begin to abuse and abuse and ultimately fuck yourself. If you didn't make it sound like you were going to abuse I'd say go for it but you clearly will abuse it. And you might think that's not true that you have control but take a step back and look at when you first started lifting I bet you told yourself you'd never cycle. Good luck my friend be careful and if anything always follow your plan don't up the dose mid cycle
 
Sounds like you could have borderline personality disorder. Steroids are only going to make it worse. Like 308 said...when on you feel great. .but someone like you would feel even worse than the average joe during and after pct.aybe get some creatine lo
 
ryan640 said:
Taking a cycle will probably be the worst thing you could do not because of the bull shit your too young but you just described an addict let me tell you one thing you'll never be satisfied you could take a hundred cycles you'll still feel small and what's going to happen is your going to take a cycle like the results then get used to the results very fast then that's were you begin to abuse and abuse and ultimately fuck yourself. If you didn't make it sound like you were going to abuse I'd say go for it but you clearly will abuse it. And you might think that's not true that you have control but take a step back and look at when you first started lifting I bet you told yourself you'd never cycle. Good luck my friend be careful and if anything always follow your plan don't up the dose mid cycle
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I do have an addictive personality, but I know how to control myself. Although I can't speak on behalf of using AAS, I use to be into the drug scene a while back and told myself I'd try most every drug I could get a hold of, which I ultimately did. Sounds stupid but I've always just been bored of a mundane monotonous life, so I figured I'd do things other people are too scared to do. I'm a curious kid as well. From alcohol to cocaine to DMT to X to oxycotin, I did them and refrained myself from making them a habit... or even taking them more than once for the most part.

I wouldn't buy enough to let myself up the dose either xD But you're right. With this being such a big part of my life it will most likely end badly. Drugs were easier to pass up as they didn't add anything productive to my life, just some altered state of mind for some time.
 
Steroids are not the answer to your current frame-of-mind, professional help is the answer. Depression is not created by how your look... it is created by a chemical imbalance that steroids will most likely exacerbate.
 
I'm not looking for someone to say steroids are the answer, I just was speaking hypothetically and wanted people's input, just saying. I don't believe seeing another person would help any mental disorder, also it's not depression it's just a a conflicting mindset I guess. I didn't title this thread properly I guess, it's what first came to mind. But thx for the input
 
Dude lets start out positive right!

A 600lb deadlift is GREAT no matter if your 20,30, or 40 years old and you did this at 19!!! Well done. I am willing to bet only 5% of the people in my gym can pull that much weight. You are very, very advanced and the only way that happens is with practice.

I had that party phase when I was your age. I mean seriously 18-20 is a blur. I wouldn't call this normal, but I would say it is very common and nothing to be ashamed of. If you realize you DO NOT want this to become your life, then you also realize it is bad and you will overcome it.

As far as size goes, try not to worry about it. Have FUN lifting. Enjoy the time you spend at the gym. You will never ever feel big enough and that is normal. That feeling is a good thing actually. Not EVER being able to reach your goal keep the bar moving forward. If you were satisfied with the size you are now, I promise you that you would never have what it takes. If you were the kind of person who is satisfied you would have given up long ago and probably would not be lifting now.

So to close this reply up, let me say something about my experience. I look in the mirror and I can tell I am kinda big. Since I see myself everyday I do not realize how big I actually am. I see myself smaller than I am in reality and I am willing to bet so do you.

Just keep going to the gym, keep eating well, and keep a lofty goal. Don't stop until you got 20" arms, you can bench 405lbs, you weigh 250lb with 10% BF, you know W/E you gotta tell yourself to stay motivated.
 
Wait lets start off how big are you? And a 600lb dead lift are you fucking kidding me? I'm 6'3 220lbs 13% bf and can dead lift only 450. I'm always told I'm huge but don't feel like it. It's all in your head.

Eat beast. Lift beast. Be beast.
 
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ErectusMaximus said:
Dude lets start out positive right!

A 600lb deadlift is GREAT no matter if your 20,30, or 40 years old and you did this at 19!!! Well done. I am willing to bet only 5% of the people in my gym can pull that much weight. You are very, very advanced and the only way that happens is with practice.

I had that party phase when I was your age. I mean seriously 18-20 is a blur. I wouldn't call this normal, but I would say it is very common and nothing to be ashamed of. If you realize you DO NOT want this to become your life, then you also realize it is bad and you will overcome it.

As far as size goes, try not to worry about it. Have FUN lifting. Enjoy the time you spend at the gym. You will never ever feel big enough and that is normal. That feeling is a good thing actually. Not EVER being able to reach your goal keep the bar moving forward. If you were satisfied with the size you are now, I promise you that you would never have what it takes. If you were the kind of person who is satisfied you would have given up long ago and probably would not be lifting now.

So to close this reply up, let me say something about my experience. I look in the mirror and I can tell I am kinda big. Since I see myself everyday I do not realize how big I actually am. I see myself smaller than I am in reality and I am willing to bet so do you.

Just keep going to the gym, keep eating well, and keep a lofty goal. Don't stop until you got 20" arms, you can bench 405lbs, you weigh 250lb with 10% BF, you know W/E you gotta tell yourself to stay motivated.
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Thanks. Yeah I always see kids partying and getting fucked up and remember those days haha even though I prob should be doing the same shit now as I'm only 19. I like going to parties and all but I grew out of that party scene I guess since I partied a lot in high school. I got nothing against it, just not me anymore i suppose. I try and tell myself I'm doing well and all but I just go back and forth all the time and usually end up on the negative end of the spectrum. Confusing. I love my time in the gym, it's my favorite time of day as I said ha. I love beating myself down on leg and back day until I'm on the ground gasping for air haha. Thanks for the positive words man.

Pinkbear, I'm 210lbs 6'2" and around 9% bf... It's really hard to look big when you're so tall :$
 
Dirty up the diet a little bit and you will be 6'2 230 12-13% bf. You will then look and feel huge. Bro I'm 6'4 and I feel small as shit whem I'm under 10%. Having that little bit of cushion goes a long way in the looks department at our height
 
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Yeah man I got 15lbs on you your beast. Every one calls me hulk or gaint or beast and I'm even that big in comparison to others on here.

And yes I love being tall but putting on weigt sucks. I can put on 10lbs and look the same. Some short guy walks in and looks like he's 250 and he's only like 185 haha
 
clman8585 said:
Dirty up the diet a little bit and you will be 6'2 230 12-13% bf. You will then look and feel huge. Bro I'm 6'4 and I feel small as shit whem I'm under 10%. Having that little bit of cushion goes a long way in the looks department at our height
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Yea Ima prob be bulking up after this last week of a cut. Shoot for 230 by the end of april. See where I land. If by look and feel huge u mean be out of breath and sweaty all the time then i probably will be xD ha. But damn, everyone tells me i'm an ectomorph, which might be right since my maintenance is like 4500 calories. Also you guys probably have more "puff" to your muscles. I'm really dense, from what people tell me, so I probably look like 180 to people. My buddie's 220 and looks like 3x as big as me, and he's slightly taller. Genetics >.>

Pinkbear exactly! Short people got it so much easier in looking big, but I'd still rather be tall.
 
I'm inclined to agree. Doing a cycle now will not only hurt you physically (also considering how beastly you sound already 600lbs. deadlift I mean damn) but make your feelings of low self worth worse after your cycle is done and over. You're just at that age where you don't know where you're headed in life and still unsure where you'll be. It'll pass.
 
Body dysmorphia. We've all got it. I feel like an anorexic teenage girl, but yesterday a bloke at the gym comes up to me out of the blue and says, "Dude, you've got a huge frame. How long have you been lifting?" Then starts asking me all these questions about training, diet etc. You'll never be happy because you'll forever be chasing your ideal physique/numbers and what not. Even when you do get there, you'll want more. Fuck it. Just eat and lift and when it's time, add the gear. It's just the icing on the cake.
 
Yeah it might just be more teenage hormones fucking with my mind and all.

I guess I'll always be chasing the ideal physique, but getting closer and closer each year will make it seem worth it... cause it is worth it.

Thanks for the replies guys, it helps remind me I'm not the worst lifter out there. At the same time, i guess I should only be comparing the progress to myself and no one else's. So I guess running gear is more of a mental issue than it is a physical when it comes to running it at an early age huh? All the signs are saying not to run gear, so I won't for now. As I was thinking about all this Leeman put up a new video about his steroid abuse:
Reality of Drug Abuse! - YouTube
Scary to see the sides, ofc. idk what he ran but I'm assuming it can happen to the best of us. Ofc. I'm no George Leeman, but just saying.
 
Guys he's just an attention whore he never had a problem.
Go back to dead lifting a small car you midget
 
Pinkbear said:
Guys he's just an attention whore he never had a problem.
Go back to dead lifting a small car you midget
Click to expand...

You caught me, I crave attention on online forums... Just looking for some input on my mindset/thoughts, sorry if I came off as something else.
 
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