Ladies please help me with my overweight wife

[tjkita]

Hello ladies I need some advice. When I met my wife 10+ years ago we were both very active and fell in love. She was a bit out of shape and I broke up with her several times because of it. Well over the years our connection grew and we fell in love and moved in together, got married and then had our first child two years ago. After she had our child (c-section) then she gained about 50lbs. Well I am at the point where I go to the gym 5 days a week and I have strict goals that I want to accomplish with my body. At home on my days off I am constantly busy doing home improvement projects and am a very active person. I have been trying to get her to work out for herself, for our son and for me with no avail. I try to motivate her and get her interesteed in dieting and working out like she used to but the more I push her the less interested she is. Today I mentioned us going to the Y tomorrow and she flipped out and said that she is tired of me pushing her and if I'm not happy with her body then I should move on. And that the more I push her to work out the less interested she is. I love her, I really do, but sometimes her excess weight really turns me off. If I mention it to her then she just keeps saying that if I'm not happy with her then leave her. I love my wife and my son and I can't imagine being without them but what should I do. Help please?

 

[essays]

Holy jesus bud... I wish I had some insight for you... That's a brutal situation.

It sounds like your wife has some SERIOUS self esteem issues and some confidence issues. Obviously her self esteem is low because of how fat she probably feels, and her confidence is clearly shot because she'd rather give up than work it out.

As far as advice goes....... I'm a bit at a loss. What i'd hope for your sake is that maybe if you went out of your way to do really nice, really romantic things for her, maybe she'd see that you'd do anything to keep her around and maybe she'd get a little motivation from that?

I dunno buddy... Good luck is all I can say!

 

[Mrs P]

Hello ladies I need some advice. When I met my wife 10+ years ago we were both very active and fell in love. She was a bit out of shape and I broke up with her several times because of it. Well over the years our connection grew and we fell in love and moved in together, got married and then had our first child two years ago. After she had our child (c-section) then she gained about 50lbs. Well I am at the point where I go to the gym 5 days a week and I have strict goals that I want to accomplish with my body. At home on my days off I am constantly busy doing home improvement projects and am a very active person. I have been trying to get her to work out for herself, for our son and for me with no avail. I try to motivate her and get her interesteed in dieting and working out like she used to but the more I push her the less interested she is. Today I mentioned us going to the Y tomorrow and she flipped out and said that she is tired of me pushing her and if I'm not happy with her body then I should move on. And that the more I push her to work out the less interested she is. I love her, I really do, but sometimes her excess weight really turns me off. If I mention it to her then she just keeps saying that if I'm not happy with her then leave her. I love my wife and my son and I can't imagine being without them but what should I do. Help please?

Physical attraction does matter, but I think maybe your turned-off feelings may have to do with a lot more than weight. Maybe there are other issues that are harder to pinpoint, maybe your are angry at your wife, & you feel awkward being honest with her, or u may have trouble communicating.

I'm not saying that having an overweight spouse has no impact on your sex life. Sure, your wife might be less attractive to you in the physical sense, and being overweight sends a negative message that your wife doesn't care enough about herself or her marriage.
I honestly think u should have a talk with her & figure out what your true problems might be in your marriage.

Confront the emotional issues, why is she letting herself go ?
Is she replacing emotions for food ?????

I think if your're turned off by your overweight spouse, the fix is in confronting the emotional issues behind the weight issue.
As a women I can tell u, u really want to be careful how u aproach her, u don't want to seem crititcal or distant. U need to figure out why she isn't she tuned in to or sympathetic to how this is making you feel.
& take it from there, I think once u figure this out u can do things together like, cook healthy meals & work-out together & motivate each other.


Let us know how it turns out, maybe she can join,I would love for her to make a lifestyle change for her self...best of luck to u guys

 

[tjkita]

Response

Thanks for the responses guys. I know that we tend to "go off" on each other from time to time and marriages take work and communication. Our problem has always been communicating in a way that we don't take it as criticism, only as positive feedback. When we had problems in the past we went to see a marriage counselor and she evaluated my wife and diagnosed her with mild depression. Maybe the medication isn't working like it should or she needs an increased dose. Don't get me wrong, we get along great most of the time it's just sometimes I feel like she's lazy and doesn't care about the house or herself. I know weight issues run in her family so a lot of it is genetics but I've seen people overcome this before. I guess in this respect I always tended to go for the underdog b/c I know with a good diet and training anything is possible.

As for Ms. P, I agree with your insight and I know from experience that I have a very thin line to walk on with this type of situation b/c she is a very sensitive and emotional person. When we made up tonight I just tried to explain to her that this summer I would like to take our 2 yr old son bike riding, swimming, hiking, and I hope that she is willing to do these things with us. (Ie. in shape to do them) She said she will. The thing that I keep telling her is that she needs to eat more to lose weight not less. Her daily diet consists of soup for breakfast and lunch and then maybe a chicken wrap for dinner. This makes for a low calorie diet, but also one where her body may be going into a "starvation mode" and thus stores more fat. (from what I've read?) She saw my bulking diet of around 3k calories and it didn't even phase her. I wish that we could work out together like we used to :-(

Anyway thanks for your advice. I guess I'll just see how things go.

 

[Mrs P]

Thanks for the responses guys. I know that we tend to "go off" on each other from time to time and marriages take work and communication. Our problem has always been communicating in a way that we don't take it as criticism, only as positive feedback. When we had problems in the past we went to see a marriage counselor and she evaluated my wife and diagnosed her with mild depression. Maybe the medication isn't working like it should or she needs an increased dose. Don't get me wrong, we get along great most of the time it's just sometimes I feel like she's lazy and doesn't care about the house or herself. I know weight issues run in her family so a lot of it is genetics but I've seen people overcome this before. I guess in this respect I always tended to go for the underdog b/c I know with a good diet and training anything is possible.

As for Ms. P, I agree with your insight and I know from experience that I have a very thin line to walk on with this type of situation b/c she is a very sensitive and emotional person. When we made up tonight I just tried to explain to her that this summer I would like to take our 2 yr old son bike riding, swimming, hiking, and I hope that she is willing to do these things with us. (Ie. in shape to do them) She said she will. The thing that I keep telling her is that she needs to eat more to lose weight not less. Her daily diet consists of soup for breakfast and lunch and then maybe a chicken wrap for dinner. This makes for a low calorie diet, but also one where her body may be going into a "starvation mode" and thus stores more fat. (from what I've read?) She saw my bulking diet of around 3k calories and it didn't even phase her. I wish that we could work out together like we used to :-(

Anyway thanks for your advice. I guess I'll just see how things go.

Maybe the medication is not working, have her go back to the doctor maybe a different dose or different med could really help her.

If she's feeling depressed nothing u say is really going to get her to change, she really needs to tackle her depression first.

Her diet is totally off, 2 soups & a wrap are not enough calories, not even for a 10 year old.

What are her stats ? we can figure out how many calories she should really be eating.

You can maybe prepare some of the meals for her & that way she can see how she should be eating, or try to get her involved & do it together.

I think it's great that u are concerned for her & want her to be healthier.

Hope she gets the help she needs & hope she makes the changes she needs to be healthier & happier.

 

[Mt-momma]

Forgive typos-posting from my phone....

I feel for you!
Is your son sleeping through the night? I dealt with severe sleep.deprevation for nearly 3 years with our youngest and it really took a toll on my body.

Bottom line is that SHE has to want to make a change to better herself and not feel like she's doing it for someone else. She needs to feel secure that you love her for being her, no mattet her weight, but thay because you love and care for her you want her to be physically able to participate in fun family activities.

Maybe buy a book about leaf patterns and rubbings and all of you go on a nature hike as a family. You pack the lunch and it doesn't seem as though you're pushing her to work out. You're just hiking as a family.

I gained quite a bit of weight after we had our babies back to back, but I had to be the one to decide enoufh was enough. Once the weight started to come off, I felt better and was more motivated to continue.

I'd suggest take over dinner preperation 3 meals a week or so and see how that goes. Go for waljs as a family and make that the focus. If she's 50lbs overweight, just small changes will add up quick.

Yes, think about getting meds checked as Mrs. P suggested. Depression is not something to overlook and postpartum depression could still be a factor (yes I know your son is 2, but left untreated can be very tough).

Most of all, show her you love her as ypor wife and the mother of your child. It's a sensative position and I don't envy you. Be patient, take over some meal planning for the family, and do family activites. Let that be the focus.
Keep us posted and offer that she come here for support. Many of us ladies are wives and moms and can relate.
Best wishes

 

[tjkita]

Posts

Thanks for the kind words of advice. Our 2 year old son has been sleeping in our bed since he was born. We tried to change it but at 3am when he crying for mommy and daddy and we have to wake up at 5am it's tough. Lately he has been sleeping through the night, thank god, with his ceiling fan on low. Something for him to look at to help him fall asleep. He's also had the stomach flu and now a cold so he's been very clingy lately. As for my wife, maybe it is post pardom depression, I never thought of that. All I know is that if I mention ANYTHING about her weight or her working out, she flips out. Maybe a third party counselor or doctor is the answer.

Some background: I know she is a very busy person, as am I, but I am a stong believer in staying fit and healthy. She works two jobs and I work shift work which consists of days and nights, 12 hour shifts, 48+ hours a week, plus weekends and holidays. We both work at the same company which is also going through massive layoffs and we're not sure if we're going to have our jobs by the end of the summer. So we both have a lot of stress in our lives right now. I just choose to vent mine out in the gym.

Thanks for all of your help ladies.

 

[Mrs P]

Thanks for the kind words of advice. Our 2 year old son has been sleeping in our bed since he was born. We tried to change it but at 3am when he crying for mommy and daddy and we have to wake up at 5am it's tough. Lately he has been sleeping through the night, thank god, with his ceiling fan on low. Something for him to look at to help him fall asleep. He's also had the stomach flu and now a cold so he's been very clingy lately. As for my wife, maybe it is post pardom depression, I never thought of that. All I know is that if I mention ANYTHING about her weight or her working out, she flips out. Maybe a third party counselor or doctor is the answer.

Some background: I know she is a very busy person, as am I, but I am a stong believer in staying fit and healthy. She works two jobs and I work shift work which consists of days and nights, 12 hour shifts, 48+ hours a week, plus weekends and holidays. We both work at the same company which is also going through massive layoffs and we're not sure if we're going to have our jobs by the end of the summer. So we both have a lot of stress in our lives right now. I just choose to vent mine out in the gym.

Thanks for all of your help ladies.

I remember when my youngest was a little over 1 she would come to our bedroom every night in the middle of the night, most nights I would just give in & I would let her sleep with us, until I said, ok, I'll have one or a few nights of O sleep, but this has to be done..lol
It took me 6 nights of hardly any sleep, she kept coming back to my room, I kept taking her back to hers, on and on and on.. longest nigthts of my life
Then she started doing it again, I put a matress on the floor of her bedroom, after a few nights I moved it farther from her bed & continued to do this for a few days, until it was practically out of her bedroom) until one day I just slept in my own bed.
At the end she understood & adapted to sleeping in her bed the whole night..

I felt like if I had my nights & my rest time back, this made me a much happier person for sure..
& made everyone in the family happier as well.

I think couple counceling could help, also working on training your son to sleep in his own bedroom, I know that at 3:00 AM when u have hime begging for mommy & daddy it's HARD not to give in...
but if u both feel rested in the morning it just makes everyone much happier.

Mt gave u great advise, try & get her involved in fun family outdoor activities without putting preassure on her "working out" hopefully she'll start enjoy it & then maybe you can both join a gym that has childcare & make it your "adult time" & share some alone time while u work out (when she gets to that stage) I love to train with my husband it gives us an opportunity to reconnect as a couple & motivate each other.

Best of luck to u guys

 

[stevenmd]

I know this is in the Women's section but I'm going to jump in here. This sounds a whole lot like my second marriage. I can tell you from personal experience and professional experience that addressing the weight issue will do you (and her) no good until her own emotional issues are dealt with. The advice you got here already is very sound. I don't know how deep your wife's issues go and from what you have said, maybe you don't either. I'm willing to bet she has issues that go waaaaaay back to her childhood.
If you want your marriage to work, you have to be willing to sacrifice a whole lot while she works through this process. But remember, you are her husband, not her therapist. Don't give up respect for yourself but you may have to listen to things about your wife and her past that may make you uncomfortable and angry - sometimes angry at her and sometimes angry at others in her past. I highly urge you to seek couples counseling.
Regarding her medication, it may make her feel very lethargic or zombie-like so she may not want to take it.
Man, I feel for you. Feel free to PM me if you want advice about something but don't want to make it public in case she eventually joins the forum.

 

[tjkita]

Input

Thanks Mrs. P and MD. A lot of good information that you guys gave me. A lot to think about too. I think I may suggest some counseling to her. Before when we did it the therapist was the one that suggested that she go on antidepressent medication and helped us with other issues as well. I'd give it another shot.

Mrs. P--our son is still in his crib and making that adjustment has been difficult and if I have to be the bad guy and let him cry himself to sleep then so be it. Our lack of time together and lack of sleep is taking a toll on our relationship. Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

[Weights]

why dont you ask to if she would like to go on a walk with you? just take it slow. and maybe she might enjoy walking so she might take it to the next step?

 

[angelchick]

Hello ladies I need some advice. When I met my wife 10+ years ago we were both very active and fell in love. She was a bit out of shape and I broke up with her several times because of it. Well over the years our connection grew and we fell in love and moved in together, got married and then had our first child two years ago. After she had our child (c-section) then she gained about 50lbs. Well I am at the point where I go to the gym 5 days a week and I have strict goals that I want to accomplish with my body. At home on my days off I am constantly busy doing home improvement projects and am a very active person. I have been trying to get her to work out for herself, for our son and for me with no avail. I try to motivate her and get her interesteed in dieting and working out like she used to but the more I push her the less interested she is. Today I mentioned us going to the Y tomorrow and she flipped out and said that she is tired of me pushing her and if I'm not happy with her body then I should move on. And that the more I push her to work out the less interested she is. I love her, I really do, but sometimes her excess weight really turns me off. If I mention it to her then she just keeps saying that if I'm not happy with her then leave her. I love my wife and my son and I can't imagine being without them but what should I do. Help please?

Please feel free to PM me. I've gone through what your wife is going through now and can provide some insight. Take care.

 

[blownhorse1]

Good luck! Hang in there.

 

[Blondie_Bombshell]

You cannot force someone to change, she has to want to do it.

And get the kid out of your bed, sit with him until he falls back asleep in his bed. My sister had to do this with my niece. Hard for the first few nights but now its fine. I dont think that is healthy for any involved.

One of the most common side effects of all anti depressants is weight gain. That is probably why she is having difficulties losing it.

I dont feel right giving her second hand advice through you without first talking with her. You should invite her to make a profile on here and we can chat. I was in a similar situation after a very bad car accident.

 

[Mr P]

I remember when my youngest was a little over 1 she would come to our bedroom every night in the middle of the night, most nights I would just give in & I would let her sleep with us, until I said, ok, I'll have one or a few nights of O sleep, but this has to be done..lol
It took me 6 nights of hardly any sleep, she kept coming back to my room, I kept taking her back to hers, on and on and on.. longest nigthts of my life
Then she started doing it again, I put a matress on the floor of her bedroom, after a few nights I moved it farther from her bed & continued to do this for a few days, until it was practically out of her bedroom) until one day I just slept in my own bed.
At the end she understood & adapted to sleeping in her bed the whole night..

I felt like if I had my nights & my rest time back, this made me a much happier person for sure..
& made everyone in the family happier as well.

I think couple counceling could help, also working on training your son to sleep in his own bedroom, I know that at 3:00 AM when u have hime begging for mommy & daddy it's HARD not to give in...
but if u both feel rested in the morning it just makes everyone much happier.

Mt gave u great advise, try & get her involved in fun family outdoor activities without putting preassure on her "working out" hopefully she'll start enjoy it & then maybe you can both join a gym that has childcare & make it your "adult time" & share some alone time while u work out (when she gets to that stage) I love to train with my husband it gives us an opportunity to reconnect as a couple & motivate each other.

Best of luck to u guys

excellent advice as usuall Mrs P