I've always been a very goal oriented person but that mentality is really not for everyone. If you don't feel good with the bigger picture and the road there it might not justify the end result for you personally. Have you considered that?
It feels like you're talking in such extremes, very black and white but there's a middle ground too. Just because you jump off TRT doesn't mean you'll stop training and run occasional cycles.
I'm in the same spot, my life is horrible on so many levels, not even gonna start to depress you with it. But i'm no stranger to rock bottom and I always come back stronger. Its just been oddly long and random freak occurrences i've had no control over which just makes it sucks.
It really sounds like need to figure out where you're going and not where you are bro.
Do you have clear defined goal as where you want to be? Whats the real reason you're doing all of this?
Once i reach my own goal, i'll stop running cycles. For life? Nah, cuz i know myself but its definitely gonna be more of a once per year, every other year type of deal where i put my focus into martial arts and 2 days gym time to maintain.
But i also hate the lifestyle lol... Its purely end result oriented for me. So what is my goals ? 75-77 kg and 8-9% body fat. Which with my latest injury will be about 2 cycles and 1.5 years away. For reference im 5.8 (i think. 177cm).
About the "get all things in order", I understood it from the first post, i merely meant that boils down to society's view and in which social hierarchy you find yourself living in. I mostly meant is it really worth it the confinement or should you just live life?
And will you ever truly be prepared? I'm just gonna dial everything back and take it week by week and for me personally stop hunting love and substituting it with 20 year olds while having the audacity to tell myself it could lead places lol...
Bro for fuck sake, stop it... Don't call yourself worthless and dont devalue your own worth. I know....but drop that bullshit, if I didn't want your advice you'd know about it