VengeanceX7
New member
No i know that isnt happening. I know most guys say that but it really isnt trust me.
My wife is leaving me. Would appreciate some advice.
- Thread starter VengeanceX7
- Start date
No i know that isnt happening. I know most guys say that but it really isnt trust me.
VengeanceX7
New member
The wierdest thing just happened. I cleaned out the garage yesterday since she has been asking me to for 2 weeks. I pulled down all the christmas stuff to start putting up today. Well i only put up a few things. When she got home she put up a buuuunch more. Funnier thing is its all her christmas stuff that she either picked out or had before she moved in with me.
VengeanceX7
New member
Been married 2 years, just had out 2nd anniversary. I think its been about 2 or 3 months she been actually "unhappy" honestly since i started my cycle. I have been so focused on training and my diet and getting plenty of sleep a lot of things were getting neglected add on top of that working 13 hour night shift.
Thats exactly my point. Marriage is serious and she agreed to it. I wouldnt think she would throw it away so easily.
Well I think JD has given some quality advice and he's experienced your situation. Shit, I'm gonna call him for relationship advice too...lol. Seriously tho, I think he's dead on in that you need to let her chill and don't get pissed or cocky. I think she's just acting out of anger like u do and maybe in a way she's trying to teach u a lesson and to see how much you really do care about her...ya know, she has been neglected and u said mean things so she's not sure at the moment and obviously pissed. Again, like JD said, its gonna be extremely hard for her to actually go thru with a divorce, at least i would think, and she probably is just lashing out but deep down doesn't wanna leave u either hopefully. As long as she hasn't moved out you actually do have another chance to be SUPER sweet and GENUINE and prove it to her. So look at it that way, by her still living there, its your chance and that also means she's in no rush to move out. Let us know how it goes
VengeanceX7
New member
Thanks brotha. That is my plan to a T. Plus with her coming home and putting up her cristmas stuff i found odd. I am not going to talk to her about it and just let it be. Plus if i did im sure she would just say she is still leaving. It hurts to see how angry and hurt she is...
Dude I know it hurts seeing her that way and feeling like you made her feel that way, but she's still there and her puttin up christmas stuff is a very good sign. I'm sure you've heard the old cliche "everything happens for a reason" well, I think you just needed something to make u realize what u were doing to her and I think your gonna be fine and have a wonderful christmas with her and your son. You should start planning something really special for the holidays. Just a thought. Maybe try to take her somewhere to get away for even a day or two if u guys can find time in your busy schedule. But wait til u know she's ready for that because if she's in a better mood about things then YOU and your family come first so u should both make the time to rekindle what u once had.
VengeanceX7
New member
Exaclty how i feel. Thanks alot man. I really feel like it just took something so drastic for me to really realize how i was and the consequences of my actions. I will try that but still going to give her time and space and not pester her.
bitterdregs
New member
I've been married 17+ years and about done with it. The one nugget I see here that you haven't addressed is counseling for yourself. You've already admitted the way you treat her and act... go talk to a trained professional about those behaviors. It'll pi$$ you off to no end with how they turn it around, and then one day you'll realize what they're doing and see how others see you and how it's not about what you think you're doing but how others perceive you and feel about what you're doing to them.
I hope things work out for the two of you, especially with a child. but in the end if it's over and you try to move on, you'll likely end up in a similar situation because the behaviors that got you here haven't changed. It's subtle and easy to deny. but there's a reason second marriages fail at an even higher rate than first.
Find a good therapist and work on you. She may like that but who cares. you want to be the best person you can for you. And if you're lucky enough she'll see that in you.
I hope things work out for the two of you, especially with a child. but in the end if it's over and you try to move on, you'll likely end up in a similar situation because the behaviors that got you here haven't changed. It's subtle and easy to deny. but there's a reason second marriages fail at an even higher rate than first.
Find a good therapist and work on you. She may like that but who cares. you want to be the best person you can for you. And if you're lucky enough she'll see that in you.
VengeanceX7
New member
I have sort of addressed it. I plan on doing it and I told her that. I need to work on my anger. I also was just able to go to a day shift so that all should help to. Thanks for the advice man.
Thoroughbred72
New member
Vengeancex7,
I completely agree with the praying and going to church, even if you don't normally go, or just haven't gone at all. Church and praying is not a 'fix-all,' but many, many times, we boneheaded, stubborn, rebellious human beings have to get to a point where we have tried EVERYTHING we can do to change a situation, and run out of effective options. God, and I am referring to the God of the Bible, is a God that loves to rescue, and show up at the last minute, to heal, restore, forgive and redeem when it appears that there's nothing else can be done, and even when we have done terrible things. A bible believing church is a spiritual hospital for those that have finally realized they are not God, can't save themselves, don't have it all 'figured out,' are broken and know they can't do it on their own any longer. God loves to show up, reach out to us, show us His love and compassion, and restore us when everything goes to pot. In the book of John, chapter 11, Jesus intentionally waited until AFTER Lazarus was dead and buried to show up, even though he could have healed him and saved him from death. However, once he came, he raised Lazarus from the dead to reveal more of who he was to the people of Israel, so they could have an even more meaningful relationship with Jesus. Somtimes it takes for us to fall to our knees in desperation and pain to finally reach out and develop a relationship with God that we need, but so often reject.
I would also agree with German87 about your wife has her issues too, but then again, that's the way almost all marriages are; both husband and wife has issues they need to work on to make the marriage great. It's a really good thing that you realize that you have not been very emotionally supportive, but at the same time, it sounds like she has her issues that she needs to work on. Usually, although not always, when divorce happens it's both partners doing; as they say, 'it takes two.' Don't beat yourself up and loose yourself during this time. Forgive yourself and go easy on yourself.
Being careful, wise, and gentle in your approach to her right now is probably important. If she will eventually agree to see a good quality marriage and family counselor, that would be a great start. If she isn't that may indicate that she has her own issues to work out too. Sitting down with a quality pastor would help also; however, notice that I said 'quality.' There are lots of pastors that are wolves in sheeps clothing, or just don't possess the skills to help heal a marriage; they may be better at being a spiritual leader, but not so good at being a marriage therapist. Be careful and wise with who you choose; some can do more harm than good in their counseling skills, I mean.
I completely agree with the praying and going to church, even if you don't normally go, or just haven't gone at all. Church and praying is not a 'fix-all,' but many, many times, we boneheaded, stubborn, rebellious human beings have to get to a point where we have tried EVERYTHING we can do to change a situation, and run out of effective options. God, and I am referring to the God of the Bible, is a God that loves to rescue, and show up at the last minute, to heal, restore, forgive and redeem when it appears that there's nothing else can be done, and even when we have done terrible things. A bible believing church is a spiritual hospital for those that have finally realized they are not God, can't save themselves, don't have it all 'figured out,' are broken and know they can't do it on their own any longer. God loves to show up, reach out to us, show us His love and compassion, and restore us when everything goes to pot. In the book of John, chapter 11, Jesus intentionally waited until AFTER Lazarus was dead and buried to show up, even though he could have healed him and saved him from death. However, once he came, he raised Lazarus from the dead to reveal more of who he was to the people of Israel, so they could have an even more meaningful relationship with Jesus. Somtimes it takes for us to fall to our knees in desperation and pain to finally reach out and develop a relationship with God that we need, but so often reject.
I would also agree with German87 about your wife has her issues too, but then again, that's the way almost all marriages are; both husband and wife has issues they need to work on to make the marriage great. It's a really good thing that you realize that you have not been very emotionally supportive, but at the same time, it sounds like she has her issues that she needs to work on. Usually, although not always, when divorce happens it's both partners doing; as they say, 'it takes two.' Don't beat yourself up and loose yourself during this time. Forgive yourself and go easy on yourself.
Being careful, wise, and gentle in your approach to her right now is probably important. If she will eventually agree to see a good quality marriage and family counselor, that would be a great start. If she isn't that may indicate that she has her own issues to work out too. Sitting down with a quality pastor would help also; however, notice that I said 'quality.' There are lots of pastors that are wolves in sheeps clothing, or just don't possess the skills to help heal a marriage; they may be better at being a spiritual leader, but not so good at being a marriage therapist. Be careful and wise with who you choose; some can do more harm than good in their counseling skills, I mean.
dialtone
Moderator
This is difficult because I have been in both positions. I ruined a relationship with a girl because I neglected her needs and I've recently had to let go of a girl because she neglected mine. In the case where I let the girl go, it was the situation she kept fucking up (she was involved with another guy) and every time would promise to change and never did. I can easily say that one day I had just had it and there was nothing she could say that would change my mind.
The best thing to do is to not focus on the issues and just be the man she wants. She didn't fall in love with you because of how you talk about times when you made mistakes, she fell in love with you for being you. So instead of talking about how you will make things better, make things better without talking about them. Try to minimize conversations about these issues because this is past the point of talking and it just sours the time that you are with her. Be yourself and do the things that she wants and avoid talking about it, and definitely do not seem desperate. When a person in a relationship comes off desperate, it does strange things to the other partner...they become callous, uninterested, and emotionless to the situation.
The best thing to do is to not focus on the issues and just be the man she wants. She didn't fall in love with you because of how you talk about times when you made mistakes, she fell in love with you for being you. So instead of talking about how you will make things better, make things better without talking about them. Try to minimize conversations about these issues because this is past the point of talking and it just sours the time that you are with her. Be yourself and do the things that she wants and avoid talking about it, and definitely do not seem desperate. When a person in a relationship comes off desperate, it does strange things to the other partner...they become callous, uninterested, and emotionless to the situation.
Vengeance,
Just another piece of info. I agree that Church isn't everybody's answer or cure all, but I recently fucked up a relationship with a girl too. Because I was being a miserable dick all the time and kept breaking things off with her and then changing my mind....until she finally had enough and said fuck you I'm done. She meant it and it was hard for me to handle. I don't talk to her anymore because I tried to be "friends" with her and hang out, but it just didn't work. Anyway, since then I just felt like a terrible person and I started going to Church because I wanted to and I felt like I needed to do something to make me feel better and I wanted to ask for forgiveness for all my mean and fucked up actions toward her and my family. Anyway, it's been helping me. So if its something you really wanna do, then I say go for it man!
VengeanceX7
New member
This is exactley what i am doing. I am doing all the things for her that she fell for me for in the first place. I stopped talking about it and just being me so she can see that. And yes she gets very upset when anyone talks to her about it. Even her own family. She got mad at me for buying her a gift though. She said she doesnt want me to buy her any gifts or xmas gifts. I said i still was going to though. That part scares me a lot. But a lot of her actions are showing shes leaving, they are showing me that I have to show her how I will be. I am not going to talk about it anymore just be the man she wanted me to be. The man I lost vision of.
VengeanceX7
New member
I need some ideas for "small things"
bitterdregs
New member
clean the garage like asked. do your own dishes, laundry. run the vacuum when it's needed without being asked. things you hate doing with the kid (diapers, baths, whatever?) start doing them without complaint or commenting on how you're now doing them.
couple thoughts there.
couple thoughts there.
VengeanceX7
New member
Been doing all those. Running out of things to clean and ideas!!
bitterdregs
New member
that show you like to watch that she hates but lets you? turn it off. that show she watches and you hate. don't leave the room (you don't have to act interested, that's transparent and a lie, but at least find something else to do in the same room that isn't distracting).
That maxim magazine on the table? trash it. the girls from the gym you mention? stop it.
don't stop being you. just be you with a little more tact.
And in the end, prepare yourself. if she leaves it isn't the end of you or the world. and life is worth living for your child
That maxim magazine on the table? trash it. the girls from the gym you mention? stop it.
don't stop being you. just be you with a little more tact.
And in the end, prepare yourself. if she leaves it isn't the end of you or the world. and life is worth living for your child
VengeanceX7
New member
She's so confusing. She talks to me, asks questions and jokes around with me a little. Then its like she remembers she's pissed at me and is very cold and short with me. She never looks me in the eye when she does that either. She is also still not wearing her ring. I think this is my last chance but Shes not gonna tell me. Just let me do it and when she figures it out maybe put the ring back on and stuff. Input on this?
bitterdregs
New member
dude, if you're doing what you say, then you're on the right track. you can't make her see you for what you are, she has to see it for herself. dont take your ring off, let her put hers on.
Now if you want to go hollywood, make sure you're seen having fun without her... show her what she's missing. That you can be the man she wants and that others find that desireable, too. Though I can't think of the male equivalent to the scene in the breakup where jennifer aniston walks through the room naked after getting waxed. Frankly, I would have groveled at that point...
In all seriousness, living your life will show her what that life is about. And if she does leave then you have a life to return to. if that makes any sense. there's no point in tiptoeing around being the sad puppydog, needy jerk playing nice nice so she won't leave. She's smarter than that and that's why she catches herself and becomes distant again. She has to do some of the work, too, bc she's doing damage as well. As she has to own that and help repair it when (if) the time comes
Now if you want to go hollywood, make sure you're seen having fun without her... show her what she's missing. That you can be the man she wants and that others find that desireable, too. Though I can't think of the male equivalent to the scene in the breakup where jennifer aniston walks through the room naked after getting waxed. Frankly, I would have groveled at that point...
In all seriousness, living your life will show her what that life is about. And if she does leave then you have a life to return to. if that makes any sense. there's no point in tiptoeing around being the sad puppydog, needy jerk playing nice nice so she won't leave. She's smarter than that and that's why she catches herself and becomes distant again. She has to do some of the work, too, bc she's doing damage as well. As she has to own that and help repair it when (if) the time comes
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