Vengeance,
I'm sorry to hear your story. Take this as advice and not as accusatory, but your misunderstood inflammatory comment to her just seems to be the tip of the iceberg and you are going to have to dig much deeper to find out why this was so destructive to her. You mentioned a number of them, but there may be more topics that she hasn't even broached and there may be things that you try to change and they don't really bother her at all. For all you know, maybe she has had some doubts lately, fallen out of love slightly or may have even thought about/actually cheated to some degree and this is her masking her pain and guilt in this manner. We can sit here and guess all day, but my point is that things rarely are what they seem on the surface. In the summer of 2011, my wife did something eerily similar and I thought maybe I could share MY side of the story to help you better navigate. Woman and men are so very different, but maybe something I say will help at some point.
After my wife screwed up, lied to me and doubted her commitment for a brief moment, she came running back begging me to forgive her. She did everything she could to make it up to me, she begged, she grovelled, she let me do whatever I wanted and, to her credit, tried to make things better. The funny part, the more she tried, the farther I removed myself from the relationship. She never gave me a chance to catch my breath, to process the situation and to slowly mend the relationship. She wanted it fixed immediately and did everything wrong while trying to do everything right. Solving this issue is just like solving a rubics cube and it will take time and patience to put the pieces back together. We are now divorced and I think it would have been a lot different if she had given me the time and the space to process everything. Once I told her that she wasnt giving me the space I needed or the time to heal, she saw that her efforts were not working and she went completely the other direction, She alienated our friends, attacked me, told me how horrible I was, how small my dick was, how many guys she was seeing and so forth. Her anger with herself ruined our relationship and if she would have just taken a deep breath, e could have collected ourselves and started over.
So for my "advice," which isn't worth jack, I would just get back to fairly normal living. Don't overcompensate or go balls to the wall to prove to her that you want to change or have changed. Doing that comes off as desperate and we all know that people don't change in the short term, but through a concerted effort over a long period of time. Leave her a note stating that you are sorry for the way you made her feel, that you know she doesn't want to discuss the matter at this time, that you are ready to talk if and when she is ready to talk and that if she chooses to work through this difficult time, that you are excited to see how you can better the relationship and your communication to make sure this doesn't happen again. Be genuine in your efforts and truly aim to change. We should all be trying to make ourselves better our entire lives, but we tend to try to change only when our backs are against the wall. Start to change your habits for yourself and not necessarily for others as true change needs to happen internally and not just because someone asks you to change. That type of change is short lived and just alienates people. Get a few self help books and start reading them. Don't leave them around the house so that she can see that your reading them or try to talk to her about what you learned today in Chapter 6 of whatever book you are reading. Make a conscience choice to change for the better and start your journey towards that goal. In all honesty brother, if she isn't willing to work on the issue, or if the damage is already done, no degree of grovelling or begging or bending will change anything. It's like trying to change the political views of someone on the far left or the far right of the aisle.....they won't hear you unless they choose to hear you and anything before that becomes one giant waste of breath.
The pain of divorce is sooooo much greater than most people realize, as they think its the easier way out, and all you can do is remain calm and collected and open to being productive. I'm an analogies type of guy. I've sailed motor boats and sail boats all my life. In motor boats, if you want to change direction you turn the wheel and the boat changes course. In sail boats, you make a small steering adjustment and wait for the course change to take effect. It doesn't happen right away. If you are too impatient, and you oversteer, the boat will lurch in the wrong direction and require corrective measures. In no time at all, you are caught in a constant state of over-corrections and you find yourself getting no where fast. Take it slow and keep the faith. Don't over apologize and realize that you deserve a certain amount of respect regardless of your mistakes. We are all warranted a few mistakes here and there and its our response to these circumstances that measure the quality of a person and not the mistake itself (within reason). My ex-wife, and sadly myself, allowed me to treat her poorly for her mistakes and that is not fair either.
Good luck!
