The joke thread...

R

RJ

On Vacation
Since there have been so many serious posts lately, usually fucked up by my asshole-ness in some way or another, how about we start a joke thread. Although Ez's joke kinda sucked:D he still had the right idea.

Post whatever you want (please no blatant racial slurs, shit like that). Keep it at least professional. But don't worry about offending anyone cause "thems just jokes" right. :D

Here are a couple of mine off the top of my head that i like.

Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. Batman and Robin were busy. Aquaman was on vacation.

So, he's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.

Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."


_____________________________________


The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.

Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies.

"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
 
Do you know what is a "selfish"?
is someone who doesn't care about me.
 
Mexican Words Of The Day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.


2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.


3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then che got herpes.


6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.


13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?
 
WHY MY WIFE WON'T TAKE ME SHOPPING



After we moved into Westwood, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Smallwood,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smallwood, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23:He and someone name Earl, Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
 
I'm bored...

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands.

_____________________________________

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"


One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"

_____________________________________

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

 
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
........................................................
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
........................................................

What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
...........................................................

The teacher tells Pepito to write a sentense with LIVER & CHEESE..
Pepito writes "Liver alone cheese my siiister"
 
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arguments for jesus


Argument that jesus is italian.. Evidence.. Talked with his hands, had wine with meal, and used olive oil

He was Irish... Never got married, always telling stories and loved green pastures

Jesus was black... called everyone brother, really liked gospel, and couldn't get a fair trial..

He was a californian... never cut his hair, walked around barefoot and started new religion

Jesus was a woman... he had to feed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food, try to get message across to men that couldn't get it.. and still had work to do, even when he was dead
 
3J said:
arguments for jesus


Argument that jesus is italian.. Evidence.. Talked with his hands, had wine with meal, and used olive oil

He was Irish... Never got married, always telling stories and loved green pastures

Jesus was black... called everyone brother, really liked gospel, and couldn't get a fair trial..

He was a californian... never cut his hair, walked around barefoot and started new religion

Jesus was a woman... he had to feed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food, try to get message across to men that couldn't get it.. and still had work to do, even when he was dead
Click to expand...

please stop pushing your religous agenda on my thread. :D
 
I know so many jokes growing up in a middle class Irish neighborhood wit and jokes are part of life....also drinking,so I dont remember any of the jokes.
 
So my friend and I had a business meeting up in Pittsburgh and decided to take the train.

I went to the ticket counter and was greeted by a perfect brunette with an amzing rack. I couldn't stop staring and actually got a little nervous. When she asked how she could help me I said:
"I'll take two pickets to Tittsburgh,..........Uh, I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh"

Red faced and embarrassed I told my buddy what I had just said.

He replied: "Don't worry about it. That kind of thing happens all the time."

"For instance, just the other day my wife came downstairs as I was leaving for work and I meant to say 'Good morning honey, how did you sleep?'
but what I actually said was:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'YOU FUCKING BITCH, YOU RUINED MY DAMN LIFE!!!' "
 
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haha. awesome. keep it up. here's one of my favs.

Bob calls home one afternoon to check on his wife. Hello? says a little girl's voice. Hey honey! Its daddy, says Bob.Wheres Mommy?Shes in the bedroom with Uncle Frank! Bob pauses. Honey you dont have an Uncle Frank.Yes I do. Okay then heres what I want you to do. Run upstairs, knock on the door and yell that Daddys car just pulled up in the driveway. A few minutes later the little girl comes back and says, I did exactly what you said Daddy. When they heard me, Mommy jumped out of bed, tripped on the rug and fell out the window. Now shes dead. Bob says, Oh my God! What about Frank?The little girl says, He jumped out the back window and drowned in the pool. There is a pause. Pool??? Is this 555-7039?
 
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Little red riding hood was going to grandmas house when all of a sudden, the big bad wolf jumps out.

little red riding hood says the big bad wolf i'm going to eat you.

well she turns and boots him in the nuts, and runs away.

as she was skipping down the trail the wolf jumps out again.

little red riding hood, i'm going to eat you.

well she boots him in the ball again and runs away.

not even 1 mile later he jumps out again. just as he goes to say his line red turn around and says.
i know your gonna eat me.
skocked she then says
dont anyone fuck anymore?
 
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