MAKE ME LAUGH Contest!

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
 
Three blondes are out in the woods.
The first one says, "These are deer tracks."
The second one says, "These are bear tracks."
The third one says, "No...they're..."
And they get hit by the train.
 
hey-why-so-serious.jpg


:-D
 
A koala was sitting on a gum tree, smoking a joint. When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' The koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..... How much water did you drink?!!'
 
2 guys who just celebrated 50th wedding anniversaries talked about the secret to their success.

On guy turns to the other and says, "What is your secret?"

"Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took my wife to Italy. And on our 50th anniverary, I went back and picked her up."
 
Brrinngg! ...
the bell rings at the whorehouse. A girl answers the door, and there's a guy with no arms and no legs.

She says, "What do you think you're gonna do in here?"

He says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"
 
A nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"
He says, "I'm writing a prescription."
She says, "But you're holding your thermometer."
He says, "Jesus Christ, some asshole has my pen."
 
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