MAKE ME LAUGH Contest!

RUI-products

RUI-products

Official Sponsor
The store is marked down 10% for the month. HOWEVER, each week I will be giving out FIVE additional promocodes for 20% OFF; that’s 30% off your total. All you have to do is MAKE ME LAUGH!

ANYTHING can be submitted, ie…story, joke, picture, GIF, etc. Put them in this thread only. Submit as often as you like to increase your chances. However, you can only win one promocode each week, but you can win every week if you MAKE ME LAUGH! NO nudity, but jokes about naked people are fine.

On the following Monday, I will pick the 5 winners of the 20% off promocode. The code is good for this month only.
As you are thinking about something funny to MAKE ME LAUGH, check out the store >>> Welcome to RUI-Products.com!

Recap:
Each week 5 different people will win a 20% promocode to purchase at the store in the month of May 2012. This will coincide with the already 10% store discount for a total of 30% off.

MAKE ME LAUGH

RUI
 
Why do they call the space between a woman's a*shole and her vagina a driving range?

Because that's where a guy hits his balls.


What's fifteen inches long and hangs in front of an as*hole?

Donald Trump's tie.


A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of twelve.
She says, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
He says, "I, uh, masturbated with them."
That night she tells a male friend what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?"
He says, "Of course. All the time."
She says, "Really? You've jerked off into a condom?"
He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend."


A guy robs a bank and takes hostages.
He says to the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage says, "Yes," and the robber shoots him in the head.
The robber says to the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The second hostage says, "No, but my wife did."
 
A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.


I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.
 
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
My girlfriend came out of the back room one night while I was watching the football game. She had this hot ass little nighty on and she was holding a piece of rope and she said "I want you to tie me up and do anything you want". So I tied her to the bed and went fishing
 
Nelson lands in the middle of nowhere in Alaska for his new job as a lumberjack.
The boss comes over and says, "All right, we work seven days a week, we're up at six, we're asleep at ten, three meals a day. And you see the hole in the barrel over there? You can stick your prick in there for a blow job any day but Thursday."
Nelson says, "Why not Thursday?"
He says, "Because that's your day in the barrel.
 
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.

"This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.

"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "I need you to do me a favor. When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in her pussyy, another finger in her asss, then smell both the fingers. Then ask yourself if a small distance in geographic location makes a difference."
 
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HAHAHA I like this contest!
Some really cheesy jokes that where so bad they are funny lol, others are witty.
hope more post up.
Ill post one:
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
 
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick.

Well the tattoo artist laughs and says, "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.
 
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