MAKE ME LAUGH Contest!

Some more i found LOL


New Salesman

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
 
Sick!


So a 16 year old girl who just got her drivers license asks her step-dad if she could you his car. Being the perv that he is he tells her " you know what has to be done before you can have my car". The girl responds by telling him that she has an emergency and that she does not have time to do that for him. The pervert step-dad tells her that if she doesn't "help" him out first that she can't have the keys. Reluctantly the girl begins to satisfy her nasty ass step-father when she suddenly stops and say WTF. This thing tastes like sh!t. !! The step-dad then says with a smile " oh yeah, I forgot, your brother took the car this morning!
 
New Salesman

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
 
My Head, Your Wife
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!"
 
She's getting the raise!

A Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase.
Her boss was anoyed at this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase... The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
 
Construction Worker

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
 
Good hair day

One morning a man tells a coworker that her hair smells nice. The woman gets enraged, storms into her supervisors office, and declares shes filing a sexual harassment suit.
Come on,� says the supervisor. Whats wrong with a guy telling you your hair smells nice?�
He***8217;s a fuckin' midget!
 
This one is a bit long but funny:

Lawyer Joke

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, 'Ontario'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

'I know.' the man said 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
HAHA
Love this thread!

here is one:

From Gynecologist to Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
 
LOLOL

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time."
She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
 
True Story

In my town (Bordon-on-the-Ridiculous) there is a Two for One pub/restaurant which I visited yesterday. I ordered two Steak & Kidney pie meals. Either the volume or the rich gravy played havoc with my bowels, so I dashed to the toilet. Once seated and reasonably comfortable, a man's voice from the next door cubicle says 'Hello!'
'Hello' I replied a little hesitantly.
'How are you?' said the voice.
'Not too bad.' I responded.
'What are you doing this evening?' asked the voice.
'Probably just finish my pint and go home.' I answered.
Then the voice said 'Listen I'm going to have to call you back, there's an idiot answering everything I say!'
 
"You shit the money bed my friend !!!! I'm going to shove my fist so far up your shit-hole,The next time you have a thought,It's going to have to skip pass my wedding ring".
 
Poor girl

So this guys walking along a beach with the wind blowing and the waves crashing such a beautiful day when he comes across a girl with no arms and no legs crying. He stops and ask, Girl, why are you crying? The Girl says i never been hugged before so the guy bends down and gives her a hug the girls so happy. The following day the guy is walking on the beach again and hears the girl crying he says why are you crying now? the girl sniffles and replies well i never really had anyone kiss me before the guys like alllrighttt he picks the little armless and legless girl up and kisses her she gets so excited. The next day the guys walking on the beach and heres her crying again. He stops and says Damn y are you crying now?? She looks up and say well ummm i never really had anyone fuck me before.. the guy takes a moment, looks out at the sea with the waves crashing on the shore, picks the little girl up and throws her in the Ocean and hollers Well! your Fucked Now Bitch!!
 
Thank you everyone for your submissions. Juced Porkchop, mr port, duke30, yeayadead, and lifterjaydawg you are the winners of a 20% off discount code. You will be receiving your promocodes via PM. Also, everyone else who participated in the threads gets a promocode as well for 5% off.

The store is already marked down 30%. That's big time savings! These codes are only good until the end of the month. So by this Thursday it needs to be used.

Thank you again for all the participation.
 
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