The hardest part is how all of the sudden I am getting approached, it's like I am the new kid in school that everyone wants to be friends with, are curious what her deal is. I am not an attention seeker, I am a very strong independent person who doesn't like bringing attention to herself, I have found that over the last few months since I have removed certain ppl, places I would visit, and things I would do, I am a lot happier now, and every one can see the positive change starting from within and showing on the outside, I am a very quiet individual but around certain ppl the real me is revealed. I don't want to many ppl knowing the real me, so I keep to myself, but lately as my body continues to change and my confidence levels increase, more ppl try to talk to me, it's distracting at times, especially the way they just look at me as I am lifting those heavy weights, MIRRORS all around, and I see them eyeing me as I walk on by. IT CREEPS ME OUT, Sometimes, but I try my best to zone it out. I don't use the gym as my meat market but as my Stress relief and to achieve the body I want.
I think I do suffer from BDD, my problem is that I was so use to how I looked when i was in my early 20's, phyiscally fit very athletic, and very healthy, that when I let myself go because I was depressed, I still saw myself as a size 6, my 5'8 stature, looked really good and never had problems getting a play date here and there.
Then when my body changed in a bad way, I didn't know how I really looked until I did see the pictures, and I was in shock. I said there is no way that is me. BUT it was... now that's all I see, that very thick chick staring back at me, no muscle tone, just layers upon layers of hideous fat covering my once well defined body.
In time, I hope my mind stops playing tricks on me, and lets me see the real me. I take pictures to reassure me that all my hard work is paying off. I am doing this for myself, no one else, bc I know what I am capable of doing and how happy I was when I was very health conscious.
I plan ahead meal wise, hardly ever have a cheat meal, choose working out when it comes to social event's, if I can get my workout in, then I will play after but not before. I am offically a gymrat once again, when i see the same faces every single day at both gyms I attend and know what body part they are going to be working on. I know I am now a regular.
In time will my mind catch up to how I really look when I see myself in the mirror, will I ever trully be satisfied with how i look, or will I always feel like there are rooms for improvement... and never be completely satisfied.
Its this hunger and drive that keeps me going, I hope this never leaves me.