I remember the day I started at my new gym. I had just performed a grueling circuit training workout using cutting edge Nautilus equipment (with 23 second pauses between sets, as recommended by my trainer, Lance) A shady looking fellow in the locker room whispered in a steroid-induced gruff tone "Hey brotha want some dyno balls?" Shocked by the man's imposing 6'2, 175lb stature (he had veins in his forearms for christ's sake!!!!) and not knowing what dynosaur balls were I barely managed to yelp "No thanks I'm all good", quickly fumbling my things together and out the door. As I reached the parking lot, I thought I caught a glimpse of this chemical demon in the corner of my eye and I broke into stride and escaped in my Ford Pinto.
After consulting my parish priest, who condemned the use of birth control, I was confused and went home and logged onto the fitness.weider.bodybuilding BBS with my IBM 286 desktop PC. I soon found out that Dyno balls were both "Rad" and "Fly" and that a certain Germanic professional weightlifter reportedly referred to them as the 'Brunch of Champions'. Weighing the advice of my parish priest against that of fellow computer geeks and Mr. Arnold Schoutenhouser, I lay awake in a cold sweat contemplating my very destiny. Over the next few days I was a ball of nerves, on one hand dyno balls were the perfect supplement to my training regimen, as I was already taking Weider Megamass and working out 17 times per week. On the other, I feared the gargantuan hulk of a demigod who would become the gatekeeper to my roiducation, for if he got a "roid-rage attack" and decided to extinguish my flame like a child with a birthday cake, it would be all too easy.
After days and days of contemplation I took a second mortgage on my house and sold off my wife's car to produce the requisite 20000 dollars for a 4 week course of dynosaur balls. The deal went down in an empty football stadium (legend has it that "The Beast" was banished to the guest locker room, leaving only to bench press amd perform curls at the local gym and spread his demon seed of anabolic evil), my hands were shaking, my heart pounding and my throat was bone dry. I handed the suitcase full of cash to the monster and took the unmarked bottle of capsules and ran for the hills.
Over the next 4 weeks, my physique transformed immensely. My arms began to form bumps in them above the elbow, and my chest no longer looked like an open bird cage. Truly I was on top of the world. That is, until I had an argument with my wife over whcih was better, VHS or Betamax, and I ended up bludgeoning my entire family with a free weider megamass shaker cup. My first experience with the "Roid rage", all I can say is thankfully my pet lizard Fluffy was staying with at my brother's house due to changes in atmospheric pressure. I then proceeded to burn down my house and all the evidence of my crime. I plead insanity in my trial and was acquitted of all charges, but was not able to collect insurance money for my house, apparently the insurance company didn't protect against acts of god.
So there I was, broke and alone, heavily in debt. But it doesnt stop there, three weeks later I woke up with the WORST headache I have ever had in my life, which persisted for 17 hours.
-Lou Reisenburger
Lou Reisenberger went on to become a prosperous venture capitalist, and to this day suffers from occasional headaches, and gets a cold every few months.
As you can see, steroids destroy lives. Click it or ticket. Crime doesn't pay. DARE to say no to drugs. Takes one to know one.
