I have PTSD/hyper vigilance/social anxiety that has been pretty intense for years. With the Low T and high E I maintained composure but constantly waited for something to happen and had violence in my mind. I was once asked about it and why I didnt leave situations amd my resppnce was "What do you do when youre being mortared? You sit there and wait till it's over. Where the fuck you gonna go?" Haha
Social situations basically caused "When this shit pops off how do I beat a person who is stronger and better than weak skinny me?"
I felt ok going through air port security. I took my hCG and test a day early just to avoid taking it with me. It would have got ugly If security was trying to take my vial of test. I also felt good in the plane and walking around Florida beaches.
I still had "anxiety", constantly looked around and watched for potential problems. "Hypervigilance". I didn't have the "lesser than" feeling or the "fear". It's hard to call it anxiety or fear compared to leaving a base in Iraq. Institutionalization and training doesn't go away upon discharge.
I felt good. Aware but relaxed. If something would have happened all I could do was respond. No constant "what if" Pre-TRT I would have been a mess. Probably not ate. It was way outside my comfort zone (my house) and out in a completely unknown area for 4 days. The beach, aquarium, resturaunts bar. I had a beer with dinners.
I can still remember low T and if it wasn't for my TRT I would have been acting the whole time. It's not some cure but confidence and the psychological effects of testosterone helped me.
Personal life I've maintained the 160mg wk test, 1.5mg ana and 1,000ui hCG per week.
Nipplesoreness clinging on. I really have to feel for it.
I think physically HPTA suppression is full scale. Testicle size fluctuates with HCG and the extra day between shots from vacation left my boys pretty small. They definitely wouldn't be there without HCG. Even plumped after HCG they are smaller. Benzo can cause desensitization of leydig cells. I'm not to concerned. Ive never had a woman at all concerned with my testicle size . . . . Just saying . . Haha. Ejaculate volume not sure. Seems there regardless of size. Also not really relevant.
I didn't even notice my achy knee, shoulder and back had went away until they returned with the lower estrogen. Libido is a little lower. Erections are fewer. I thought I might have crashed my estrogen but libido is still attached to injection timing for peaks. I do wish I had a healthy T level. Since I've been 16 I'm been a horn dog and had erections constantly. I think now it's the sedative effects of my seizure meds. I don't know if I ran in the top of the range for test. I don't know where my E was. He is there when I need him and I can masturbate so it's ok. 6 months ago I couldn't get it up myself and had issues with the wife.
I have found out TRT can be a scape goat and blamed. "Since you started you're" --mean, emotional, emotionless, stricter with the kids, argue more ect. One thing said was "changing day to day" . . . . I wasn't arguing so I didn't say "well actually normal test changes everyday, over the course of the day, and my hormones are actually more stable".
I am different I'm sure. I went from low T to maxing levels T. But I'm not mad or in a bad mood. Maybe / probably more assertive and persistent but I've been in a good mood. I believe it's my tone of voice. I've also been through over 12 seizure meds which have caused swing from depressed and crying to rage and one that caused a pendulum from spit flying rage to bawling and back to rage. I can understand the wife having reservations, being sensative to changes in me and leaning to blame them. I think it's post vacation blues. Florida to snow had us all a little down.
I'm going to maintain the 160mg wk just to maintain a level for a couple months for my next blood test. Using nipplesoreness I'm going to just hold this dose. Soreness is WAY down and in general I feel good.
I went from limp, "depressed", unmotivated homebody with sore boobs struggling to keep the house clean to now. I've helped coach the youngest boys wrestling, lift pretty regular, eating, redid front doorway, painted 2 bedrooms, painted kitchen, fixed floor in a bedroom, fixed/redid shower to fix a problem with shower/ replaced bent copper with Pex and am currently replacing stove vent/hood. Im not me 4 years ago but I'm getting back.
. My libido was up, stamina was up and orgasm intensity was up. Wife was changing outfits getting ready for vacation. I thought I was going to faqin die. Only thing she kept on was underwear and she tried on everything from jeans and skirts to swimming suits. It might as well have been some strip show compilation.
